Current

It was like a current every time she spoke, both electrical and tidal.

Just beneath the surface, just barely out of reach,

Hidden by the sweet, hypnotizing honey of her voice,

A pulsing current of lies.

It grew stronger as time went by, her lies more consuming, more intricate.

Perhaps too intricate even for her.

See, the dam was straining, beginning to crack.

The lies bubbling, escaping to the other side, drenching our field of trust.

And God forgive me, whenever I caught her in a lie,

There would be a fleeting moment when I felt triumphant, before the devastation set in.

Why does she do it?

And why do I stay?

I know soon, maybe sooner than I can foresee, the dam will collapse,

And her lies will flood over me, drowning me, suffocating me.

Killing me.

And as I sit there dying, I will be thinking, over and over again:

Why did I let her do this to me?

I searched for you

I grew up watching the sand-dunes flutter

Shimmering golden under rays of Sun.

Beneath a sky which wept in shades of blue,

I buried my feet into soft, vast land

And my fingers traced patterns onto the ground

Etching my dreams onto it’s canvas.

The warm wind would flirt with my hair,

Whispering secrets into my ears.

And in that desert breeze, my yearning was born.

It was there that I first thought of you,

Somewhere out there, someone to share my sweet mint-tea.

The timeless tale of a lone man’s search,

Was etched right here in the sand of memories,

In the steps of my ancestors,

Crossing the deserts, in thirst and bravery

From tribe to tribe, from storm to storm,

For just a longing glance or two.  

 

As time went by, as my desire grew,

People welcomed me into their homes.

I sat cross-legged as they served me dates.

With these delicacies, so sweet and pure,

They hoped to ease the bitterness of a destiny unfulfilled.

They tried to soothe my eager heart

As I prayed for the chance to meet you,

You, whoever you might be.

 

I left their welcome,

I left their pitying smiles,

I left the lives they built in love

And I walked alone onto an arid field.

I watched some horses as they ran,

Their hooves drumming up golden clouds,

And their manes whipping in the wind.

Their exhilarated neighs rattled the air

Melodies of true unrestraint,  

Singing a need for freedom that only Arabians understand

Yet I myself remained in shackles,

My soul restrained by this burning desire

Fiercer than the scorch of this Eastern sun.

I roamed and roamed, my heels bleeding and tattered,

Hoping to find you here, somewhere in the tents of life,

Or perhaps under the shade of the swaying palm-trees,

But as the moments stretched into years,

I realized I would need to travel the world to search for you.  

 

My heart then guided me to the banks of the Nile.

Amongst the ruins of history

I sat and watched the waves catch the sun,

The water flowing through lands as old as time.

A lifeline nourishing as it goes,

Yet one that failed to give me what I need.

I wondered if along its banks, your footsteps had blessed that fertile soil.

I looked around in a hopeful daze,

At dusk, at dawn, at every call to prayer.

Searching for you under a million minarets,

Or within the shadows of the pyramids

But yet again, I felt my disappointed pain,

Standing as tall, as eternal as those wonders of the world.

 

My sandaled feet then took me to the tombs,

To temples in antiquity seeped,

And in them my soul related to the oldest stories ever told

They spoke of love, of loss, of fear

Of wanting the greatest the world could give

Of a search as old as time itself,

Of the most sacred of partnerships

Of affection so great it was the key to life

Oh how I long to be etched into their tales,

 

But ‘when?’

 

I felt that question in the dust

Dust which swirled in whispers

Between these everlasting stones.

It formed into clouds above my head

And then crashed onto my desperate thoughts

Finding shelter in this longing

A longing that has become the definition of me.

 

Overwhelmed, in pain and in thirst for you

I needed to cleanse my aching spirit.

I followed the Nile to the Mediterranean Sea,

I laid myself between its waves,

An endless glint of blue and green

They swayed me gently from side to side

Rocking me in their fight for control

I closed my eyes and let them wash over me,

Wanting my want to not get lost at sea

Wanting my want to find it’s shore,

Wanting my want to materialize.

To have you with me, your sun-kissed fingers caressing mine.

Oh, how I wish I had your scent on me.

 

But the painful truth is nothing but

That I had sat there in solitude,

Slipping into the beginnings of a bitterness

That had threatened to scrape out my battered heart

That had threatened to wrap my soul in soiled sheets

That had threatened to drown my last breath of hope.

And in that moment, which stood still in time,

I realized I’m merely a woeful shell of a man

That I am but a bundle of possibilities

Unfulfilled, unrequited, unreturned

All I am is a nonexistence,

Buried into this living form.

A pariah walking amongst noblemen

Waiting for the reviving breath

That only your lips could kiss into me

 

Oh, my destiny,

I’ve come too far to surrender now,

I cannot release the dream of you,

This fantasy that’s become my salvation

No,

I had to fight this invading doom,

I had to escape to the furthest of lands

I had to chase your smile, I had to demolish all doubt

It was time for my search to leave the comforts of all I’d known.

 

I now stand here in the hours late

Watching my shadow as I roam these silent streets

I hear my footsteps and their echoes,

Lonely in this Northwest night

They take me steadily to nowhere and it makes me wonder

If my heart will ever stop this fruitless quest,

Of traveling the land in search of you.

 

I breathe in the frigid air

This rainy night making me dream of home

These damp pavements are merely infants

They bear not the stamps of ancient times

They reek of glass, steel and modernity

And on these roads of youthfulness

I feel older, more weathered than even history itself

Worn down by my odyssey

Carrying the burden of distant memories

A foreign man, in a foreign land

My only refuge, I’m yet to find

Oh how I long for your dark eyelashes

To wrap around me and protect me from myself

And for the ebony waves of your hair

To warm my blood from this Western frost.

 

 

A weary sigh escapes from me,

So forceful it disrupts miles of fallen leaves

And they fly between these endless stacks of homes,

Which trap me in this suburban prison

A thousand faces peer at me from behind their windows

They begin their dance of polite words and nods

They keep their distance, and avoid my gaze,

Their doors bolted shut,

And I can almost hear them all,

In a thousand breathless questions, they ask:

Who is this man that disrupts our peace?

 

But I have no answer to ease their minds

I am lost, confused, paralyzed

My hope collapses, bringing me to my knees,

And my knees sink into green and a chilling frost

And as the cold spreads into me,

Killing the warmth of my childhood dreams,

Putting out the fire of my Middle Eastern bonds,

I finally lose sight of you,

The torch that had guided me through life’s treacheries

And as I gasp, struggling to breathe,

My heart surrenders to my darkest fear.

And I finally admit it to myself:

You have never been real.

Heartbreak

One day you gaze helplessly into nothing as your world violently explodes into fragments that rest by your feet.

It doesn't matter that you had sensed the strings that kept everything together slowly unravel.

This moment is still a massive shock. Complete irreversible fatal unforeseen Armageddon.

Everything that was once ordinary, everything that was once secure, everything that was once wholesome….is now nothing but destroyed. 

The wind blows from all around, whipping parts of you away. You want to reach out, to grasp onto what you can of the belief that things will be okay but you are paralyzed by the realization that life as you know it will never be the same again.

The silence screams into your ear and your senses are attacked by reminiscent memories. A tear glides down the fearful expression on your face.

 "What am I going to do now?"

Ice invades your veins. You scream. People walk by like nothing is wrong. No one can hear your heart breaking.

You sob. Pain drills through the numbness and announces its presence forcefully. It took a second, one insignificant second to exterminate everything that was significant in your life. One infinite second. A second that will never end.

A breath is forced through the mounting pressure in your chest.

"Who am I going to live for now?"

A tremble storms through your soul. The burden of reality is too much for you and you cave into yourself. You were a fighter once. But you are not strong enough to fight this. No one is. Who can stand strong against the destruction of their very core?

"Dear Merciful God in Heaven, What am I going to do now?"

Your fist strikes the earth and it shakes. Nothing has foundation anymore. Everything is capable of betrayal. No trust will reside in you again.

You yearn for where you used to be and you despise where you are now. Cold and broken covered in the residues of agonizing treachery.

Roaming the dusty roads you have become a deserted shadow of who you used to be. Your friends gaze through you with pity laced eyes. They ask you if you're okay. Okay!? Are you okay!? Your essence has been ripped out of you with an endless whip of poisoned thorns. You can't reply; your tears drown your words into oblivion. They never stop asking though. And soon you learn to nod and smile although from the inside you will never be revived again. Your joy lies deceased. You don't want to hear the questions anymore and soon they stop asking. You put on a show of being normal. Daily routines seem like an unbearable burden. You try your best not to give in to the incessant whispers that are coaxing you to give up.

It seems as if people are now satisfied and you cease to get the sudden reassuring hug or the constant presence of people around you. Then you miss people asking if you're okay. Because you're not and you're terrified you never will be. You shiver whilst hugging your pillow.

The day drags another behind. The moon morphs into the sun. Your pain is the only thing that is constant.

You sleep.

Your eyes flutter open to the sunlight casting tiny rainbows through the cracks in the curtain. It's beautiful.

You breathe in a fragrant breeze that seems to be existent just for you.

Something has changed.

You can still recognize the pain, but it doesn’t hurt. Something has mended. Not like its new, it will forever be deformed, but it's not broken anymore. A butterfly lands softly onto your hand and teases your fingers with delicate kisses. It flies off and you follow it.

You enter a room and you are instantly overwhelmed with love. People who adore you surround you. You get lost in a flurry of hugs, kisses and soft caresses.

A child's laughter brushes against your ear and a smile can't be stopped from crowning your face. The smile seems so bizarre to you. You haven't felt the urge to in such a long time. But something about that laugh brings back nostalgic memories of when happiness coursed through your being.

You look in the mirror and you're one again. No longer a mess of pieces that cannot fit together. You have no trouble breathing. Life has regained its radiance.

Suddenly just like it started it ends. The countless moments of self-torture and anguish have vanished. Replaced with something you can barely remember. Peacefulness lined with a sprinkle of satisfaction.

Yet you are not the same person you used to be. A difference is apparent. A wisdom that comes with the ordeal of overcoming a shattered heart.

Warmth rushes through your soul as you witness a shooting star.

You smile again; genuinely, gracefully, perfectly.

You didn't know you were fighting but yet you had won the war.

"Damn, I've missed this"

A second, it took one insignificant second to remind you of everything that was significant in your life.

Fallen

Fallen from the heavens I was born onto this earth.

With a sparkling tear caressing my eye I embrace my transition. Slowly treading the clouds with my golden feet I whisper farewell into the folds of a star. I hear my wings start to break and the Angels mourn my departure. They close their eyes as my sighs grow distant. A sacrifice that had to be made. One that nobody dares to question.

I stand at the edge of Beyond and brace myself for the journey ahead.

I start to weep as Temptation grips me and attempts to force me to steal a glance at what I am leaving behind.
But I can't, it is hard enough as it is.

I let myself fall.

The World quakes as I land with a frightening crash.

Heavy Silence.

Where are the helping hands that wish to aid me?
My legs tremble as I try for the first time to solitarily pull myself up.
A raped virgin.
My back burns intensely from the pain of losing my once beautiful wings.
But my heart burns more ferociously.

Terrified I stand. I look around with trusting eyes, looking for a sign of beauty. But what I see is destruction of all magnitudes.

Why has hope abandoned this Land?

My feet start to move.

Slowly treading the pools of blood with my cracked feet I whisper hello into the shades of the lonesome night.

The air itself is tainted. Poisonous inhalation that slaughters at every ounce of innocence.

I start to run. People become a blur of contaminated auras. I want to scream. But my voice fails me. I am choking.

Beauty. Amidst the crowds of corruption. I suddenly halt.
I am drawn to it.
The Beautiful is in need, I give with no caution.
My all has become theirs. My pain is discarded for a moment.
I love The Beautiful.
I wait for return, but left dry I am.
Suddenly I look closer.
The surface is cracked.
The Beautiful is flawed with greed and selfishness.
The core does not live up to the facade.
Betrayed, fooled, ignorant. That is all that I am at this instant of revelation.
They are dead from the inside.

I step back, my pain striking me with the fist of abrupt return.
Betrayed.
The Beautiful has stabbed my back, tearing open the old wounds that my wings have left behind.
A sudden yearning to return to where I came from overwhelms me and I fall to my knees.
I cannot fly. There's no way back.

I look around me.
A forest of burnt trees. Acid rain twinkling as it eats away at stone. Gray clouds torn open with the anger of the universe striking mankind. Death.

I have become ashamed of what I am.
Purity interpreted as ignorance.
Love mistaken for vulnerability.
Strength thought of as weakness.

What happened to this place to make it so hideously sinister?

I shouldn't be ashamed. Shame on this world that makes the good feel like they don't belong.

I will not allow myself to transform to survive.
Fatality is welcome more than evil will ever be.

I am the Fairness that pays the price
I am the soul destined to suffer.

So be it.

My knees dig into the blackened earth and my tears fail to nourish the murdered grass.
And then out of nowhere, brilliance attacks the skies and I feel the earth shudder under my touch.

I look up, and there it is.

A helping hand from another Fallen Angel.

"You Are Not Alone." 

Unraveling

He woke up one day and he felt it. The unraveling was complete. It took some time, his soul dripping into oblivion like flirtatious molasses. But today it felt different, something had changed. A slight alteration was making him breathe heavily.  Suddenly he was frightened. He fought back tears, not another tear would be shed, not a single one. Wondering what was happening to him, he tenderly pulled himself up in his bed. Each muscle saluting the morning with pain. What had he done last night? His memories were jumbled together like a horrific highway pileup. He knows who he is. At least he thinks he does. Does he? A memory abruptly seeped to the surface. He was okay… once. Not perfect, not at all; but complete. He knew who he was once, without a shade of doubt, he knew who he was. He was satisfied once. What had happened? His eyes close. Now he wants to cry, he needs a catharsis of some sort. The well has dried. The unraveling was complete. A shiver attacks his spine. Why can't he cry? His feet hit the wooden floor looking for his slippers. A shuddered groan escapes from him unawares. Is this even his bed? The Nameless man stands up. His body fighting to adapt to a destructive internal wound. A wound that no Emergency Room can recognize. A wound that does not really exist. His feet move themselves; recognizing a path. He stands in front of the toilet seat as toxins pour out of his body. It must've been his bed; he can recognize the pattern on the bathroom's tiles. He obediently washes his hands as the distant whispers of his deceased mother order him to. Looking down at them he notices how dry and chapped they have become. The Nameless man looks in the mirror. His eyes drill into his reflection. A shell hiding a vanishing mess. He can see the change. The unraveling is complete. He sighs with venom. His gaze turns hazy as he turns on the faucet and the crystal water mesmerizes him. Nameless tries to cup some water in his grasp but rapidly the water slips through his fingers; reminiscent of his escaping sanity. What the fuck had happened to him? He turns away and walks out of the bathroom. His feet carrying him to the warm haven of the living room. The television comes to life at the switch of a button. Static attacks his ears but all he can hear are the voices in his heads. The never ending questions, the unfound answers, the whispers of the past, the doubts of the future and the confusion of the present all blaring in one note. The Nameless man has gone insane. The unraveling is complete.

Night terror

Once, I woke up in the middle of the placid night. The merciless moon aiming its rays at my glistening body. I had no dreams, no memories, no ambitions, and no wishes. Everything was murdered by the deep emergent longing that gripped my soul with persistent coldness. A shiver rampages through the damaged shell that I exist in. Longing. I no more feel the pain, I used to. A tantalizing itch that ballooned into a wave of excruciation that grew so immense it disappeared into itself. Into that which I call "I". Now all that exists in the internal darkness is a mysterious craving. It feels as though I had fallen asleep for years, except that my heart had stayed awake. It's missing something…but what? Ignorance is the only mask I can wear. Isn't it toxic when you feel like you have to dedicate your life to fulfilling an obscure desire? I sigh.