I searched for you

I grew up watching the sand-dunes flutter

Shimmering golden under rays of Sun.

Beneath a sky which wept in shades of blue,

I buried my feet into soft, vast land

And my fingers traced patterns onto the ground

Etching my dreams onto it’s canvas.

The warm wind would flirt with my hair,

Whispering secrets into my ears.

And in that desert breeze, my yearning was born.

It was there that I first thought of you,

Somewhere out there, someone to share my sweet mint-tea.

The timeless tale of a lone man’s search,

Was etched right here in the sand of memories,

In the steps of my ancestors,

Crossing the deserts, in thirst and bravery

From tribe to tribe, from storm to storm,

For just a longing glance or two.  

As time went by, as my desire grew,

People welcomed me into their homes.

I sat cross-legged as they served me dates.

With these delicacies, so sweet and pure,

They hoped to ease the bitterness of a destiny unfulfilled.

They tried to soothe my eager heart

As I prayed for the chance to meet you,

You, whoever you might be.

I left their welcome,

I left their pitying smiles,

I left the lives they built in love

And I walked alone onto an arid field.

I watched some horses as they ran,

Their hooves drumming up golden clouds,

And their manes whipping in the wind.

Their exhilarated neighs rattled the air

Melodies of true unrestraint,  

Singing a need for freedom that only Arabians understand

Yet I myself remained in shackles,

My soul restrained by this burning desire

Fiercer than the scorch of this Eastern sun.

I roamed and roamed, my heels bleeding and tattered,

Hoping to find you here, somewhere in the tents of life,

Or perhaps under the shade of the swaying palm-trees,

But as the moments stretched into years,

I realized I would need to travel the world to search for you.  

My heart then guided me to the banks of the Nile.

Amongst the ruins of history

I sat and watched the waves catch the sun,

The water flowing through lands as old as time.

A lifeline nourishing as it goes,

Yet one that failed to give me what I need.

I wondered if along its banks, your footsteps had blessed that fertile soil.

I looked around in a hopeful daze,

At dusk, at dawn, at every call to prayer.

Searching for you under a million minarets,

Or within the shadows of the pyramids

But yet again, I felt my disappointed pain,

Standing as tall, as eternal as those wonders of the world.

My sandaled feet then took me to the tombs,

To temples in antiquity seeped,

And in them my soul related to the oldest stories ever told

They spoke of love, of loss, of fear

Of wanting the greatest the world could give

Of a search as old as time itself,

Of the most sacred of partnerships

Of affection so great it was the key to life

Oh how I long to be etched into their tales,

But ‘when?’

I felt that question in the dust

Dust which swirled in whispers

Between these everlasting stones.

It formed into clouds above my head

And then crashed onto my desperate thoughts

Finding shelter in this longing

A longing that has become the definition of me.

Overwhelmed, in pain and in thirst for you

I needed to cleanse my aching spirit.

I followed the Nile to the Mediterranean Sea,

I laid myself between its waves,

An endless glint of blue and green

They swayed me gently from side to side

Rocking me in their fight for control

I closed my eyes and let them wash over me,

Wanting my want to not get lost at sea

Wanting my want to find it’s shore,

Wanting my want to materialize.

To have you with me, your sun-kissed fingers caressing mine.

Oh, how I wish I had your scent on me.

But the painful truth is nothing but

That I had sat there in solitude,

Slipping into the beginnings of a bitterness

That had threatened to scrape out my battered heart

That had threatened to wrap my soul in soiled sheets

That had threatened to drown my last breath of hope.

And in that moment, which stood still in time,

I realized I’m merely a woeful shell of a man

That I am but a bundle of possibilities

Unfulfilled, unrequited, unreturned

All I am is a nonexistence,

Buried into this living form.

A pariah walking amongst noblemen

Waiting for the reviving breath

That only your lips could kiss into me

Oh, my destiny,

I’ve come too far to surrender now,

I cannot release the dream of you,

This fantasy that’s become my salvation

No,

I had to fight this invading doom,

I had to escape to the furthest of lands

I had to chase your smile, I had to demolish all doubt

It was time for my search to leave the comforts of all I’d known.

I now stand here in the hours late

Watching my shadow as I roam these silent streets

I hear my footsteps and their echoes,

Lonely in this Northwest night

They take me steadily to nowhere and it makes me wonder

If my heart will ever stop this fruitless quest,

Of traveling the land in search of you.

I breathe in the frigid air

This rainy night making me dream of home

These damp pavements are merely infants

They bear not the stamps of ancient times

They reek of glass, steel and modernity

And on these roads of youthfulness

I feel older, more weathered than even history itself

Worn down by my odyssey

Carrying the burden of distant memories

A foreign man, in a foreign land

My only refuge, I’m yet to find

Oh how I long for your dark eyelashes

To wrap around me and protect me from myself

And for the ebony waves of your hair

To warm my blood from this Western frost.

A weary sigh escapes from me,

So forceful it disrupts miles of fallen leaves

And they fly between these endless stacks of homes,

Which trap me in this suburban prison

A thousand faces peer at me from behind their windows

They begin their dance of polite words and nods

They keep their distance, and avoid my gaze,

Their doors bolted shut,

And I can almost hear them all,

In a thousand breathless questions, they ask:

Who is this man that disrupts our peace?

But I have no answer to ease their minds

I am lost, confused, paralyzed

My hope collapses, bringing me to my knees,

And my knees sink into green and a chilling frost

And as the cold spreads into me,

Killing the warmth of my childhood dreams,

Putting out the fire of my Middle Eastern bonds,

I finally lose sight of you,

The torch that had guided me through life’s treacheries

And as I gasp, struggling to breathe,

My heart surrenders to my darkest fear.

And I finally admit it to myself:

You have never been real.

Fallen

Fallen from the heavens I was born onto this earth.

With a sparkling tear caressing my eye I embrace my transition. Slowly treading the clouds with my golden feet I whisper farewell into the folds of a star. I hear my wings start to break and the Angels mourn my departure. They close their eyes as my sighs grow distant. A sacrifice that had to be made. One that nobody dares to question.

I stand at the edge of Beyond and brace myself for the journey ahead.

I start to weep as Temptation grips me and attempts to force me to steal a glance at what I am leaving behind.
But I can't, it is hard enough as it is.

I let myself fall.

The World quakes as I land with a frightening crash.

Heavy Silence.

Where are the helping hands that wish to aid me?
My legs tremble as I try for the first time to solitarily pull myself up.
A raped virgin.
My back burns intensely from the pain of losing my once beautiful wings.
But my heart burns more ferociously.

Terrified I stand. I look around with trusting eyes, looking for a sign of beauty. But what I see is destruction of all magnitudes.

Why has hope abandoned this Land?

My feet start to move.

Slowly treading the pools of blood with my cracked feet I whisper hello into the shades of the lonesome night.

The air itself is tainted. Poisonous inhalation that slaughters at every ounce of innocence.

I start to run. People become a blur of contaminated auras. I want to scream. But my voice fails me. I am choking.

Beauty. Amidst the crowds of corruption. I suddenly halt.
I am drawn to it.
The Beautiful is in need, I give with no caution.
My all has become theirs. My pain is discarded for a moment.
I love The Beautiful.
I wait for return, but left dry I am.
Suddenly I look closer.
The surface is cracked.
The Beautiful is flawed with greed and selfishness.
The core does not live up to the facade.
Betrayed, fooled, ignorant. That is all that I am at this instant of revelation.
They are dead from the inside.

I step back, my pain striking me with the fist of abrupt return.
Betrayed.
The Beautiful has stabbed my back, tearing open the old wounds that my wings have left behind.
A sudden yearning to return to where I came from overwhelms me and I fall to my knees.
I cannot fly. There's no way back.

I look around me.
A forest of burnt trees. Acid rain twinkling as it eats away at stone. Gray clouds torn open with the anger of the universe striking mankind. Death.

I have become ashamed of what I am.
Purity interpreted as ignorance.
Love mistaken for vulnerability.
Strength thought of as weakness.

What happened to this place to make it so hideously sinister?

I shouldn't be ashamed. Shame on this world that makes the good feel like they don't belong.

I will not allow myself to transform to survive.
Fatality is welcome more than evil will ever be.

I am the Fairness that pays the price
I am the soul destined to suffer.

So be it.

My knees dig into the blackened earth and my tears fail to nourish the murdered grass.
And then out of nowhere, brilliance attacks the skies and I feel the earth shudder under my touch.

I look up, and there it is.

A helping hand from another Fallen Angel.

"You Are Not Alone." 

Unraveling

He woke up one day and he felt it. The unraveling was complete. It took some time, his soul dripping into oblivion like flirtatious molasses. But today it felt different, something had changed. A slight alteration was making him breathe heavily.  Suddenly he was frightened. He fought back tears, not another tear would be shed, not a single one. Wondering what was happening to him, he tenderly pulled himself up in his bed. Each muscle saluting the morning with pain. What had he done last night? His memories were jumbled together like a horrific highway pileup. He knows who he is. At least he thinks he does. Does he? A memory abruptly seeped to the surface. He was okay… once. Not perfect, not at all; but complete. He knew who he was once, without a shade of doubt, he knew who he was. He was satisfied once. What had happened? His eyes close. Now he wants to cry, he needs a catharsis of some sort. The well has dried. The unraveling was complete. A shiver attacks his spine. Why can't he cry? His feet hit the wooden floor looking for his slippers. A shuddered groan escapes from him unawares. Is this even his bed? The Nameless man stands up. His body fighting to adapt to a destructive internal wound. A wound that no Emergency Room can recognize. A wound that does not really exist. His feet move themselves; recognizing a path. He stands in front of the toilet seat as toxins pour out of his body. It must've been his bed; he can recognize the pattern on the bathroom's tiles. He obediently washes his hands as the distant whispers of his deceased mother order him to. Looking down at them he notices how dry and chapped they have become. The Nameless man looks in the mirror. His eyes drill into his reflection. A shell hiding a vanishing mess. He can see the change. The unraveling is complete. He sighs with venom. His gaze turns hazy as he turns on the faucet and the crystal water mesmerizes him. Nameless tries to cup some water in his grasp but rapidly the water slips through his fingers; reminiscent of his escaping sanity. What the fuck had happened to him? He turns away and walks out of the bathroom. His feet carrying him to the warm haven of the living room. The television comes to life at the switch of a button. Static attacks his ears but all he can hear are the voices in his heads. The never ending questions, the unfound answers, the whispers of the past, the doubts of the future and the confusion of the present all blaring in one note. The Nameless man has gone insane. The unraveling is complete.

The little boy without a name

Once upon a time there was a little boy without a name. This little boy was a very good boy. In fact it was rumored that this little boy was brought down to earth by an angel who cradled him in the softness of a cloud. He was always smiling and loved to help people. This caused the little boy without a name to have a great many friends. He was always surrounded by many little boys and girls. The little boy loved having all his friends in his life and always gave them whatever they asked. One of his close friends was called Greed. She loved to always ask the little boy without a name for favors. He would always hurry to make Greed happy. The little boy without a name believed that nothing in this world was more important than helping your friends. So he worried and he hurried until he made Greed's wishes come true. Greed loved having the little boy without a name in her life because it seemed that there was always something she needed and he would not rest until he got it for her. In fact she loved the little boy without a name so much that she introduced him to her friend Envy. As soon as Envy met the little boy without a name he was very intrigued. Envy as a matter of fact tried to copy everything that the little boy without a name did. Envy felt like he wanted to be even better at everything than the little boy without a name was. Soon the three friends were inseparable. All the other little boys and girls thought that the little boy without a name, Greed and Envy were very popular and wanted to be their friends. That is how Selfish and Bitter met the three friends. Selfish and Bitter were a pair of twins that were new to the neighborhood. The little boy without a name was very quick to try and make them feel welcome and include them in his life. Greed and Envy agreed to be friends with them also, but they kept mostly to themselves. The five friends lived like this for some time.

One cold winter night, Greed asked the little boy without a name for a favor. To do this favor he had to take a long journey and go through a lot of hardship. But the little boy without a name could never refuse a request from a close friend. As he was preparing for his journey Envy appeared on his doorstep. "I want to come with you oh little boy without a name, I know I can do this journey too," said Envy, with his bright green eyes sparkling like a snowflake. "The more the merrier my dear friend! I have no doubt it will be a more enjoyable trip because my friend will be with me," said the little boy without a name. So together the two boy set on a journey full of obstacles.

Days later as they neared their destination, the little boy without a name was exhausted and thirsty. Envy was not well prepared for the trip and so the little boy without a name shared his food and water with him. One day the little boy without a name fell with a soft thud onto the snow because he was very tired. "Let us rest for a little bit Envy my friend, I am so tired," he said, his voice peeping through his furry coat.

"No said Envy, we are almost there and I need to continue. You rest I will leave you here," replied Envy.  The little boy without a name was very confused: "But Envy we are here together! Wait for me, I am afraid I get lost without you."

"But if I leave now I will get there first and I will get Greed what she wanted, she will like me more and everyone will tell me how much better I am. Everyone loves you oh little boy without a name. It is not fair I do not have as many friends as you do!" Greed yelled into the frosty air as he turned around and walked away.

The little boy was left alone, cold thirsty and dumbfounded. "Envy is my friend! I shared everything with him and helped him all along. How could he abandon me in my time of need?" His tears froze even before they reached his chin. The little boy without a name, curled up in the snow and cried himself to sleep.

And as he slowly slipped into eternal rest, he suddenly remembered that he once had a name. He was once called Innocence. 

The man of sin

Guilt is in every step. The man of sin steps into the hearts of the pure for refuge. Out of place he feels, with his reeking soul. He is only half there. Empty eyes and a resonating laugh. His heart weighed down with infinite questions, his essence blown away with broken hopes and shattered dreams. Where does he belong!? Who will let him into their existence? Attention-starved he swallows his acid salt tears. Death on his mind he prays. Abandoned by everyone and accepted not. His pain’s magnitude incomprehensible. The hated man roams the empty roads and laughs ironically at the absurdity of love; A passionless quest for self-fulfillment. “Oh Lord, why have you let me stray?” he questions the ice cold night. His heart as numb as his fingertips, his breath a struggle he’s dying to give up but yet…he can’t. The ultimate test has been thrown his way and now failure invades his dreams, turning the pleasant into a scream of the night that pierces sanity and kills the innocent. Lost. He is so lost; beyond; confused he stumbles as he runs into the middle of nowhere. He sighs as he falls eternally into delusion. What does he have to do to undo this curse? Values screech “Off with his head!” His heart alive with emotional tides, conflicted and hopeless what can this man do? “Oh Lord why have you condemned me to this fate? My love for you burns eternal… yet my faith quivers for an instant. Oh Creator; I am flawed! Fix me or forgive me!” Alone in the corner the man weeps. A broken home and a world infested with selfish savages. Discriminating lions his way daily cross. Misunderstood he closes his eyes. Why has the world not disappeared? Only death is certain, death and this incessant pain that no other can fathom. Will death bring the desired peace or will it trigger the journey that will strip the humanity out of his soul? “Oh Lord what have I done to deserve this? ‘Privileged I am’ they say. Oh Merciful it is just too hard! I want to devote myself to you but how can I slaughter my heart’s desire?”  Life a wave of laughter and tears, happy but eternally sad, everlasting underlying pain. “Who is there to help me? Will I be saved? Will I survive or give into damnation as the holy time arrives and the devils’ chains rest still? Will my faith carry me through or will my soul, the mother of sin, trap me in the turmoil of an endless black and boiling night?”