And his secrets started to suffocate him
A lump in his throat he desperately tried to swallow,
As it slowly turned acidic, spreading a burn across his chest.
In vain, he tried to make them disappear,
But there they were, a blockage of deception,
Cutting off the air in and clutching onto the air he breathes out.
Once, I woke up in the middle of the placid night. The merciless moon aiming its rays at my glistening body. I had no dreams, no memories, no ambitions, and no wishes. Everything was murdered by the deep emergent longing that gripped my soul with persistent coldness. A shiver rampages through the damaged shell that I exist in. Longing. I no more feel the pain, I used to. A tantalizing itch that ballooned into a wave of excruciation that grew so immense it disappeared into itself. Into that which I call "I". Now all that exists in the internal darkness is a mysterious craving. It feels as though I had fallen asleep for years, except that my heart had stayed awake. It's missing something…but what? Ignorance is the only mask I can wear. Isn't it toxic when you feel like you have to dedicate your life to fulfilling an obscure desire? I sigh.
Guilt is in every step. The man of sin steps into the hearts of the pure for refuge. Out of place he feels, with his reeking soul. He is only half there. Empty eyes and a resonating laugh. His heart weighed down with infinite questions, his essence blown away with broken hopes and shattered dreams. Where does he belong!? Who will let him into their existence? Attention-starved he swallows his acid salt tears. Death on his mind he prays. Abandoned by everyone and accepted not. His pain’s magnitude incomprehensible. The hated man roams the empty roads and laughs ironically at the absurdity of love; A passionless quest for self-fulfillment. “Oh Lord, why have you let me stray?” he questions the ice cold night. His heart as numb as his fingertips, his breath a struggle he’s dying to give up but yet…he can’t. The ultimate test has been thrown his way and now failure invades his dreams, turning the pleasant into a scream of the night that pierces sanity and kills the innocent. Lost. He is so lost; beyond; confused he stumbles as he runs into the middle of nowhere. He sighs as he falls eternally into delusion. What does he have to do to undo this curse? Values screech “Off with his head!” His heart alive with emotional tides, conflicted and hopeless what can this man do? “Oh Lord why have you condemned me to this fate? My love for you burns eternal… yet my faith quivers for an instant. Oh Creator; I am flawed! Fix me or forgive me!” Alone in the corner the man weeps. A broken home and a world infested with selfish savages. Discriminating lions his way daily cross. Misunderstood he closes his eyes. Why has the world not disappeared? Only death is certain, death and this incessant pain that no other can fathom. Will death bring the desired peace or will it trigger the journey that will strip the humanity out of his soul? “Oh Lord what have I done to deserve this? ‘Privileged I am’ they say. Oh Merciful it is just too hard! I want to devote myself to you but how can I slaughter my heart’s desire?” Life a wave of laughter and tears, happy but eternally sad, everlasting underlying pain. “Who is there to help me? Will I be saved? Will I survive or give into damnation as the holy time arrives and the devils’ chains rest still? Will my faith carry me through or will my soul, the mother of sin, trap me in the turmoil of an endless black and boiling night?”
I don’t think I can handle this anymore
Life a bare room
The walls closing in on me
Where can I hide but inside myself?
There's no where to go
No one to confide in
One window
So far away
The people that I think care for me
Look in and check on me once in a while
I can feel the question
Pass momentarily through their minds…
Is he going to be okay?
But as soon as they glance behind them
They forget
They forget and get involved in what's on the other side of the walls
Things I can never be a part of
I wish someone would just notice that the walls are about to crush me into a mass of broken thoughts and lost hopes.
If they just take the time, they can open the door and save me
Save me from myself.
I'm driving myself crazy
Waiting for the moment where everything will cease.
Cease for a second until my thoughts return to haunt me;
Although my physical presence will fade away and I'll be forgotten.
I know you will regret not reaching out for the handle
But by then it will be too late
And I know the guilt will consume you so fiercely.
I hate to think of you suffering that way
So I’ll try and reach out maybe you'll notice and you'll save me.
But sometimes I think you deserve to suffer
Suffer,
Suffer like I did, like I do, like I will every day
But I would not wish the same fate for someone else
Not even Satan that laughs as I slowly loose my faith
I glance at the door
Anticipating
I can feel the heat of the walls
Scorching my cheeks
Oh God
Time's running out
My eyes never leave the handle…
Will anyone ever save me?