I lay awake at night
Trying my best to remember and to figure out when it happened…
When I lost the battle,
When who I am became who I was and who I became, became a reflection of you,
When I allowed what you want to be to become what I must fulfill
When my pores started oozing out your scent and I lost my own perfumes
When what I dream of became framed within the constricts of your approval and your approval became the definitive measure of my worth
When I lost my sight and wore your retinas as lenses, only allowed to see the world through your vision
When my flesh became your domain and my body became a jurisdiction, which only you can rule, only you can punish, only you can permit
When my future became my past and my past became forbidden, memories of which I’m only allowed to recall if they were pre-approved by you
When my work became a burden and what I earn became a treasure trove for you to satisfy your desires
When my empathy became a sin and my kindness became a betrayal if it wasn’t directed towards you
When I began to whisper ‘yes’ even though my spirit was screaming ‘no’
When I forced the threshold of my pain to constantly increase and I began telling myself that it’s all okay, you could have hurt me worse
When I began filtering my words and my thoughts, painstakingly translating them into what you want to hear
When my values became secrets and all that I believe in became what you could desecrate, while I passively stood by and prayed for redemption
When hope turned from platinum to black and became a pastime of fools rather than the force that used to propel me forwards
When I began to dread light and reflections rather than darkness and shadows, lest I see myself or see you too well
When every breath began to be laced with fear, shame and surrender
And when, oh when, the prospect of living became so much more terrifying than the thought of dying
I lay awake at night, trying to remember…..
And I haven’t slept in years.