The middle

It wears me down, this vision of who I’d like to be

Anxiety goes off like little flares roaming around within my spirit,

Whenever I realize how far I am from who I am meant to be

And how long the journey is through pain, grief, despair, sacrifice, obligation, incarceration, denying, asserting and accepting,

All in order to reach the shores of enlightenment

And the soft, green-sanded beaches of self-actualization

I’m held back; a prisoner of my own making

At times I can no longer see through the deceit, the lies,

The threads I’ve woven into a fabric that I present to the world as my skin

But which is in reality my shield,

A mask I let them see of everything I believe would make me worthy in their eyes

And I’ve hidden the ugliness, the remnants of past and future pain,

And the traumas that manifest themselves internally, every single wretched day

I’ve fooled them well, and in the process I’ve lost myself

Denying my soul the nourishment and catharsis of being unleashed without restraint,

Without armor, for it to be able to encompass the bounties of the world,

The evils of our time and the mystery of man, before returning to me

Weathered, but learned

Battered but blessed with the knowledge of who it truly is,

Who I truly am,

And how I can, for once, do what’s right by me.

Yet now I fear it might be too late

I’ve held back much too long

My soul is petrified of what it can learn when it tastes the richness, the decadence of liberty

And I’ve grown tired, insurmountably weary

Too intrinsically fatigued to go on this quest

See, if I am to survive,

Fighting back against the pressures to be who they want me to be,

But rather be who I was born to be,

I will have to face my greatest fear:

The middle part of this journey from the prisoner I am now

To the unshackled, unrestrained, unguarded me

It scares me because I know

I will see it in their eyes

I will hear it in the drops of their inflections

I will feel the way they will stiffen when I unfurl what’s within

And l let them see the bad with the good,

The ugly, the decayed, the saturated; the human

I wish more than anything that I could skip that part of the process

And with a deep exhale be abruptly emancipated

I do not have it in me to wage battle

Or to fight through a transformation

I don’t want a cocoon; I don’t want a warming eggshell or a womb’s embrace

I just want to be birthed, immediately, gloriously, into this world,

Just as I am meant to be

Just as I want to be

Just as I must be.

Bricks

The first time they used who I am against me,

When they shone the light on how words and fiery glances can cut deep into my spirit

My tears flowed in crimson and clear drops of pain and I ran towards the darkest shades of shadow

Scratching at my skin, scratching at my mind, scratching at my soul, trying to scrape off what made me different from them

I bashed my head with a rock, blood as thick as oil flowing from my temples, hoping to release those of my thoughts that they just did not, could not and wanted not understand

I worked the tears and blood into the layers of the peeled shreds of my skin and flesh, meshing them into clumps in my hand and shaping them into a brick

I let the heat of my shame radiate off of me unrestrained and let the brick boil its way into hardness

I then took the brick, broke my ribs with it and placed it above my heart, praying that this would make me stronger

I sewed my chest back up, turning my wounds and scars inside out, so no one could ever see them

That was many years ago…

Yet my ritual never changed

Today I reel from the look of your eyes and the disappointed tone of your reproach

And I run to my shadowed spot once again, as I have done so many times before

I forge my pain into a brick, but I no longer have to crush my ribs, they’ve learned to crack open all alone the moment they hear the brick sizzling its way to completion

I struggle to fit it in, thousands of bricks now dwelling in me, yet they don’t do much to make me stronger, they don’t do much to make me safer or more immune

But I cannot stop

They’ve merged themselves into a wall, a fort around my very core, the only barrier that slows down the hurt of your bullying

Slowing your hate for a few minutes where I can take a deep breath before your nonacceptance breaches my barriers and finds a way to spite my essence

And the bricks just keep coming, my skin, my thoughts, my tears, my flesh, my blood, all that you’ve damaged in me hardening inside

They might not stop your words from hurting, but they keep my truth hidden, hardening my softness, crushing my uniqueness, keeping who I am buried deep, deep, deep in my gut and nowhere else

But they also weigh me down, these thousands of bricks I carry around

They slow down my thoughts, they slow down my pulse, they slow down my emotions and they make my steps heavy

I crawl through life although I want to run, I drag my feet although I want to leap, I lose my breath although I want to sing

The wall inside me is taking over, a mess of hardened, living, pulsing pain

It succumbs so easily to you, allowing what you think of me to matter so damn much, slowing your hurt but not stopping it from reaching inside me

My scars they’ve toughened inside out, they let you in but trap me inside, my fort turning into a prison

I now often struggle to access who I am meant to be, to access those hopes, those thoughts I buried too deep

And the bricks they keep on coming, and coming, and coming

Until one day, they will succeed in burying me alive

And I will die…but maybe, maybe, so will this pain

So will these scars

So will these wounds

And so will these bricks

When

I lay awake at night

Trying my best to remember and to figure out when it happened…

When I lost the battle,

When who I am became who I was and who I became, became a reflection of you,

When I allowed what you want to be to become what I must fulfill

When my pores started oozing out your scent and I lost my own perfumes

When what I dream of became framed within the constricts of your approval and your approval became the definitive measure of my worth

When I lost my sight and wore your retinas as lenses, only allowed to see the world through your vision

When my flesh became your domain and my body became a jurisdiction, which only you can rule, only you can punish, only you can permit

When my future became my past and my past became forbidden, memories of which I’m only allowed to recall if they were pre-approved by you

When my work became a burden and what I earn became a treasure trove for you to satisfy your desires

When my empathy became a sin and my kindness became a betrayal if it wasn’t directed towards you

When I began to whisper ‘yes’ even though my spirit was screaming ‘no’

When I forced the threshold of my pain to constantly increase and I began telling myself that it’s all okay, you could have hurt me worse

When I began filtering my words and my thoughts, painstakingly translating them into what you want to hear

When my values became secrets and all that I believe in became what you could desecrate, while I passively stood by and prayed for redemption

When hope turned from platinum to black and became a pastime of fools rather than the force that used to propel me forwards

When I began to dread light and reflections rather than darkness and shadows, lest I see myself or see you too well

When every breath began to be laced with fear, shame and surrender

And when, oh when, the prospect of living became so much more terrifying than the thought of dying

I lay awake at night, trying to remember…..

And I haven’t slept in years.

For the liberty I could not keep

I watched you run unrestrained today,

You aura shinning in shades of gold

And my heart grew heavy and faded to black.

I watched the wind lift and kiss your hair,

The strands dancing in tangling waves

And my soul grew frigid and began to crack.

I watched your lips smiling through songs,

The melodies tumbling in twinkling notes

And my blood grew thicker and fed my grief.

I watched you dance to the universe’s rhythm,

Your body gliding, waltzing in space

And my mind grew numb and I lost belief.

Suddenly, inside, I unwound,

Envy pulsating, gaining ground,

Jealousy cascading, my freedom bound,

Longing blossoming, confinement crowned,

Frustrated screams, without a sound,

Despair amassing, it’s all around.

And I began to weep,

For the days I used to sleep,

For the liberty I couldn’t keep,

For the dreams I had to sweep,

For the days my hope ran deep,

For the rights I couldn’t reap,

For when nothing seemed too steep,

For eyes that didn’t seep,

Before everything crashed into a heap.

I used to laugh,

I used to shine,

My life was once

Of my own design.

It was all right there

The world was mine,

My joy and promise

Would intertwine.

I felt the touch

Of a life divine,

But they ripped my freedom from my hands.

They took. They tricked. They confined.

My trusting spirit could not withstand.

They fought. They faked. They conquered.

Broken, I gave in to their demands.

They bullied. They bit. They captured.

My knees were weak, I couldn’t stand.

They infiltrated. They impaired. They crucified.

They disarmed me.

They dismantled me.

They damaged me.

They damned me.

They defeated me.

They deceived me.

They defined me.

They divided me.

They degraded me.

They dominated me.

They desecrated me.

Now all I can do is gaze at you

My eyes burning green with what I see.

Someone living the life I once knew,

Someone who one day I used to be.

Look at me

Look at me

Look into me

See me

See me for who I truly am

Stop a moment

Slow down

And gaze into my soul

Don’t just see who you want me to be

See beyond the person that you think you know

Between the fleeting glances and the swift peeks,

You failed to notice that I had died

And that I was resurrected

You’ve missed that I’ve become someone else

We’ve become strangers and you are yet to know it

I’m trapped behind your glazed over vision

I’ve ripped my mask off and I’m now burning through,

Bright, fierce and clear

But in your eyes my truth is obscured

Look

Look close

Don’t you see that the glint in my eyes is different?

That the shape of my smile has changed?

Stop making me feel invisible.

See. Notice. Comprehend.

Did you never really see me to begin with?

I’m shinning stronger

I’m finding my light

And soon the mere sight of me,

The ferocity of who I truly am reaching its peak,

Will blind you

So look at me

Look into me

See me

See me for who I truly am

Before it’s just too late

Separate me

Separate me from this fear.

Separate me from this dread.

Separate me from these thoughts,

Breaking me down in my head.

Separate me from this weight,

Sitting squarely in my chest;

Separate me from this tainted mind

That never seems to rest.

Separate me from this pain

That has merged with every cell,

Which make me who I am

And agonizingly in me dwell.

Separate me from this ache,

That’s painted my spirit bleak.

Separate me from these chains

That make my spirit shriek.

Separate me from insecurity

That whispers in my ear

And drenches me with a mist of grief

With every word I hear.

Separate me from this weakness

That keeps me up at night.

Separate me from this surrender,

The death of all my fight.

Separate me from this regret

Echoing with every step I take,

Assaulting my fragile memories,

Coaxing my soul to break.

Separate me from this heart

That pumps with misery too fast

And grips my chest with frigid breaths

That feel like they’re my last.

Separate me from these voices

Erupting in my skull,

Making me feel unworthy

And making my spirit dull.

Separate me from this doubt

That never leaves me alone,

Holding onto me until,

It turned my heart to stone.

Separate me from this duality,

Making my life a lie,

That I fear will never leave me

Until I hope I die. 

Weight of freedom

My cage is beautiful.

Its roof is painted in pretty blue and white, like peaceful clouds. 

I swim in cooling pools of shimmering water, 

And dry-off, lounging on feather-pillowed, gold-laced seats.

I step on petals that tickle my feet 

As I walk towards a million words, trapped in paper,

Flowing from the consciousness of generations.

My cage is warm when I'm cold and cold when I'm hot

And it smells like summers, fruits and vanilla-lavender fumes. 

My cage is peaceful.

I can hear my sighs echo,

I can hear my thoughts take form

And the lullabies of a string quartet. 

My cage is safe.

Protective eyes watch over me. 

Sparkling solid walls of diamond shield me from outside threats. 

Yet, still, I'm going insane. 

I've forgotten what it's like to run, to yell,

To take a risk and feel its gain.

I'm trapped in a lovely environment, 

But I miss the thrill of catching someone's eye. 

I miss the slippery embrace of mud, 

And the relief that follows when I wash it all off. 

I miss horizons, the palettes of sunset and sunrise, 

And I miss the dark.

I miss the unexpected, the rise of hope, 

And I miss the weight of freedom. 

Captivity

What have you done to me?

I can’t step back enough to really ask myself

Probe that pulsating black spot inside my soul

Which I shelter even from me

And ask whether it’s love I’m feeling, or whether it’s terror.

Were my walls so frail, were my guards so cowardly that they fled the wooden gates, the only sanctuary to my soul?

I made it so easy for you to slide yourself into every crevice of what makes me who I am

And shine your flame onto my insecurities, while putting out the rings of fire that protected my identity.

Drenching them out with the consuming, paralyzing waves of your dominance

It frightens me down to my very core how smoothly you owned me

How eager I was to be devoured and then spit out as a version of myself someone could actually love.

My will weary, my resolve restless, they crumbled under your touch,

Under your gaze.

Those eyes that have now chained me into captivity.

Only when you look at me, when I see approval in your eyes, that’s when I’m worthy

Every blink, every second you look away, or the furrow of your distaste creeps into your eyebrows,

I disintegrate.

I dissolve into the pieces of me that you’ve created. the pieces that cloak who I used to be,

And I tremble into an apprehensive passivity at the thought of even trying to scratch at them, clawing my real self out.

I’m terrified of meeting who I used to be and having to answer the question:

Why did I surrender without a fight, but rather, eagerly gasped you into my chest and let you infect my heart with the soul-crushing burden of being yours?

You own me. You destroy me. And you are the only one who can put me back together.

But the me you orchestrate doesn’t play the symphony that I truly, fully am; the symphony of my being.

But rather, you mold me into a melody, a movement, playing me into the version of myself that pleases your ears, and your ears alone.

Every breath I take is you. You’ve cut off the oxygen of my identity and I’ve allowed myself to die, suffocating slowly, steadily, stealthily into someone I’m not meant to be.

All so that you can love me. All so that I don’t have to face the cruelty of your departure.

Because if your love is true, then the fatality of your love must be better than the annihilation of your rage, or the apocalypse of your indifference.