The first time they used who I am against me,
When they shone the light on how words and fiery glances can cut deep into my spirit
My tears flowed in crimson and clear drops of pain and I ran towards the darkest shades of shadow
Scratching at my skin, scratching at my mind, scratching at my soul, trying to scrape off what made me different from them
I bashed my head with a rock, blood as thick as oil flowing from my temples, hoping to release those of my thoughts that they just did not, could not and wanted not understand
I worked the tears and blood into the layers of the peeled shreds of my skin and flesh, meshing them into clumps in my hand and shaping them into a brick
I let the heat of my shame radiate off of me unrestrained and let the brick boil its way into hardness
I then took the brick, broke my ribs with it and placed it above my heart, praying that this would make me stronger
I sewed my chest back up, turning my wounds and scars inside out, so no one could ever see them
That was many years ago…
Yet my ritual never changed
Today I reel from the look of your eyes and the disappointed tone of your reproach
And I run to my shadowed spot once again, as I have done so many times before
I forge my pain into a brick, but I no longer have to crush my ribs, they’ve learned to crack open all alone the moment they hear the brick sizzling its way to completion
I struggle to fit it in, thousands of bricks now dwelling in me, yet they don’t do much to make me stronger, they don’t do much to make me safer or more immune
But I cannot stop
They’ve merged themselves into a wall, a fort around my very core, the only barrier that slows down the hurt of your bullying
Slowing your hate for a few minutes where I can take a deep breath before your nonacceptance breaches my barriers and finds a way to spite my essence
And the bricks just keep coming, my skin, my thoughts, my tears, my flesh, my blood, all that you’ve damaged in me hardening inside
They might not stop your words from hurting, but they keep my truth hidden, hardening my softness, crushing my uniqueness, keeping who I am buried deep, deep, deep in my gut and nowhere else
But they also weigh me down, these thousands of bricks I carry around
They slow down my thoughts, they slow down my pulse, they slow down my emotions and they make my steps heavy
I crawl through life although I want to run, I drag my feet although I want to leap, I lose my breath although I want to sing
The wall inside me is taking over, a mess of hardened, living, pulsing pain
It succumbs so easily to you, allowing what you think of me to matter so damn much, slowing your hurt but not stopping it from reaching inside me
My scars they’ve toughened inside out, they let you in but trap me inside, my fort turning into a prison
I now often struggle to access who I am meant to be, to access those hopes, those thoughts I buried too deep
And the bricks they keep on coming, and coming, and coming
Until one day, they will succeed in burying me alive
And I will die…but maybe, maybe, so will this pain
So will these scars
So will these wounds
And so will these bricks