To live with my spirit free

It’s a bit cloudy today in the crevices of my mind

Obscuring truths I don’t want to know, answers I wish not to find

It’s rainy today in the juncture between my brain and my soul

Drowning out the thoughts that I wish I’d heard before

Waves of comfort calm my spirit, but crush me when they reach my rocky shore

For in that serenity hide the dangers that shake me at my very core

I feel at peace when reality melts away like dripping gold,

Shining brightly, creating fantasies as I wish them to unfold

Dreams of where I’m free to live, where what’s hidden is told

Where my surroundings I create and where my heart is truly bold

A place where I can roam freely, a place where souls aren’t so cold

But then reality again and again it takes its unyielding hold

Then I’m left where cruelty has become the currency around me

Sipping at my naivety, destroying who I once dreamed I could be

Turning my summer champagne into cold and bitter black tea

Gnawing at my roots until I’m as weak as a brittle palm tree

Whose branches just keep on snapping, destroying the parts that make me

Chiseling away at my sculpture until I collapse into lakes of debris

And as I scatter in the violent tides, they pick up the scraps for free

Someone steals my joy, the other steals my trust

Someone steals my peace, and I’m left an empty crust

The struggle never ends to hold on to who I am

Cursed with disorienting winds, an identity like swirling sand

Sometimes it terrifies me, because I begin to lose my mind

Wondering who I am, and why the hell I fight to remain this kind

How do they toughen their heart, how do they conquer their mind?

How do they find the strength to leave those who they love behind?

How do they manage to live their lives while constantly aligned

With only what they want, and to others’ needs turn blind?

How did they learn to take before they learned to give?

How did they learn to break your heart but never to forgive?

Who taught them that to crush and plunder was the only way to live?

And why and when did I learn that I had to just give, give and give?

Give up my identity,

In order to appease you, like an insatiable deity

You kept me drunk on hope, miles away from sobriety

Wishing I could just reach out to the rest of society

When you treated me like you own me and I reacted with piety

Because you know just how to take control of my fragile anxiety

And I find myself with conflicting thoughts of where I thought I’d be,

Wondering if it is too late to take my chance at all opportunity

To embrace the world, to connect myself, to smell, touch, hear and see

To re-sail my boats and rediscover my authentic morality

To dance, to sing, to laugh, to breathe in diversity

To scrape off my scars, to shed off adversity

And ask myself honestly for once, who it is I’m born to be

And give myself the existential right to live with my spirit free

Beyond the right you thought you had to bind me with your slavery

I'll shine bright

I breathe a little easier when I leave you behind,

The weight on my shoulders, the plague in my mind

It gets a little breezier the moment I find

Glimmers of clarity and from you I unbind

You keep me too busy with heartache and crimes

Too stressed to reflect

Too tense too unwind

Too afraid to connect

Too timid, too blind

My colours were once vibrant, my spirit divine

My laughs would echo with a joy that was mine

But baby I met you and what’s mine became yours

You’re a storm that raged in, after softly knocking on my door

I thought I could do this, but you always wanted more

I thought I’d get through this, but you had more in store

I thought it could happen to be loved and still be free

I didn’t imagine you’d have this much power over me

To lift me or crush me, to slow me or rush me

To beat me down and then touch me...

In that tender way

That way that left my life astray

The way that makes me forget what happened yesterday

When you held me so tightly, I thought I would die

When you drank from my kindness until the well ran dry

When you decided to destroy my trust and wouldn't say why

I've gone into hiding but I cannot run away

You keep me craving and my heart it obeys

When my spirit is naked in my moments alone

I see how much of me because of you is gone

But then you're suddenly all around me

And my layers they're back on

The ones I created to pretend I'm still strong

The ones I concocted to convince myself I wasn't wrong

To fall in love with someone who never loved me for who I am

But rather who loved me because you saw my flaws

My sense of insecurity, what I wrongly believed I was worth

An intrinsic vulnerability that I've been unable to unbirth

A sense of isolation as old as my first breath on earth

My weakness, my pain,

My scars, my wars,

Oh baby they were my painful siren call

You flocked towards me and didn't hesitate at all

To conquer, to change, to break me with words,

To take until I lost what it was that made me my own

The me I had painstakingly put together and that through tragedy I'd grown

The sense of hope I nurtured in the pitch black dark

The belief in a tomorrow that I hid in my heart

A craving for humanity when the demons left their mark

In my head, whispered in my ears,

When I lay in bed, wondering if the end is near

Oh how you shone so brilliantly when you first held my hand

Oh how you eased my fright before I began to understand

Your intentions for me, your determination for my essence to posses

To force me to submit, to break me down, forcing me to confess,

To use my past against me and to keep me a mess,

But today you're far and I can breathe my truth

Fearing the day I'll return once more to you

It's impossible to escape you, of that you made sure

You soiled my love, made our connection impure

I see it so clearly when there's oceans between us,

But when I look in your eyes, it'll take over – my weakness

So I'll live today and I'll dream tonight

Of a fearless tomorrow, of my individuality alight

I'll pray for help, for strength, for what's right

I'll pray for serenity, for grace, for might

And for that day to come, which in the absence of you,

I once again become glorious and I shine bright

Oh, baby, I'll shine bright, I'll shine bright.

The captor

I love you like the rain

Easy to wash away

I want you when you’re lost

Drowning in tones of gray

I like you when you’re weak

Molding you like softened clay

I make you bite your tongue

Till the words just go astray

Because I love you when you’re hushed

With nothing left to say

I need you at my whim

Every dark and lonely day

Because I want you to exist

Just to hear the way you pray

Bricks

The first time they used who I am against me,

When they shone the light on how words and fiery glances can cut deep into my spirit

My tears flowed in crimson and clear drops of pain and I ran towards the darkest shades of shadow

Scratching at my skin, scratching at my mind, scratching at my soul, trying to scrape off what made me different from them

I bashed my head with a rock, blood as thick as oil flowing from my temples, hoping to release those of my thoughts that they just did not, could not and wanted not understand

I worked the tears and blood into the layers of the peeled shreds of my skin and flesh, meshing them into clumps in my hand and shaping them into a brick

I let the heat of my shame radiate off of me unrestrained and let the brick boil its way into hardness

I then took the brick, broke my ribs with it and placed it above my heart, praying that this would make me stronger

I sewed my chest back up, turning my wounds and scars inside out, so no one could ever see them

That was many years ago…

Yet my ritual never changed

Today I reel from the look of your eyes and the disappointed tone of your reproach

And I run to my shadowed spot once again, as I have done so many times before

I forge my pain into a brick, but I no longer have to crush my ribs, they’ve learned to crack open all alone the moment they hear the brick sizzling its way to completion

I struggle to fit it in, thousands of bricks now dwelling in me, yet they don’t do much to make me stronger, they don’t do much to make me safer or more immune

But I cannot stop

They’ve merged themselves into a wall, a fort around my very core, the only barrier that slows down the hurt of your bullying

Slowing your hate for a few minutes where I can take a deep breath before your nonacceptance breaches my barriers and finds a way to spite my essence

And the bricks just keep coming, my skin, my thoughts, my tears, my flesh, my blood, all that you’ve damaged in me hardening inside

They might not stop your words from hurting, but they keep my truth hidden, hardening my softness, crushing my uniqueness, keeping who I am buried deep, deep, deep in my gut and nowhere else

But they also weigh me down, these thousands of bricks I carry around

They slow down my thoughts, they slow down my pulse, they slow down my emotions and they make my steps heavy

I crawl through life although I want to run, I drag my feet although I want to leap, I lose my breath although I want to sing

The wall inside me is taking over, a mess of hardened, living, pulsing pain

It succumbs so easily to you, allowing what you think of me to matter so damn much, slowing your hurt but not stopping it from reaching inside me

My scars they’ve toughened inside out, they let you in but trap me inside, my fort turning into a prison

I now often struggle to access who I am meant to be, to access those hopes, those thoughts I buried too deep

And the bricks they keep on coming, and coming, and coming

Until one day, they will succeed in burying me alive

And I will die…but maybe, maybe, so will this pain

So will these scars

So will these wounds

And so will these bricks

When

I lay awake at night

Trying my best to remember and to figure out when it happened…

When I lost the battle,

When who I am became who I was and who I became, became a reflection of you,

When I allowed what you want to be to become what I must fulfill

When my pores started oozing out your scent and I lost my own perfumes

When what I dream of became framed within the constricts of your approval and your approval became the definitive measure of my worth

When I lost my sight and wore your retinas as lenses, only allowed to see the world through your vision

When my flesh became your domain and my body became a jurisdiction, which only you can rule, only you can punish, only you can permit

When my future became my past and my past became forbidden, memories of which I’m only allowed to recall if they were pre-approved by you

When my work became a burden and what I earn became a treasure trove for you to satisfy your desires

When my empathy became a sin and my kindness became a betrayal if it wasn’t directed towards you

When I began to whisper ‘yes’ even though my spirit was screaming ‘no’

When I forced the threshold of my pain to constantly increase and I began telling myself that it’s all okay, you could have hurt me worse

When I began filtering my words and my thoughts, painstakingly translating them into what you want to hear

When my values became secrets and all that I believe in became what you could desecrate, while I passively stood by and prayed for redemption

When hope turned from platinum to black and became a pastime of fools rather than the force that used to propel me forwards

When I began to dread light and reflections rather than darkness and shadows, lest I see myself or see you too well

When every breath began to be laced with fear, shame and surrender

And when, oh when, the prospect of living became so much more terrifying than the thought of dying

I lay awake at night, trying to remember…..

And I haven’t slept in years.

For the liberty I could not keep

I watched you run unrestrained today,

You aura shinning in shades of gold

And my heart grew heavy and faded to black.

I watched the wind lift and kiss your hair,

The strands dancing in tangling waves

And my soul grew frigid and began to crack.

I watched your lips smiling through songs,

The melodies tumbling in twinkling notes

And my blood grew thicker and fed my grief.

I watched you dance to the universe’s rhythm,

Your body gliding, waltzing in space

And my mind grew numb and I lost belief.

Suddenly, inside, I unwound,

Envy pulsating, gaining ground,

Jealousy cascading, my freedom bound,

Longing blossoming, confinement crowned,

Frustrated screams, without a sound,

Despair amassing, it’s all around.

And I began to weep,

For the days I used to sleep,

For the liberty I couldn’t keep,

For the dreams I had to sweep,

For the days my hope ran deep,

For the rights I couldn’t reap,

For when nothing seemed too steep,

For eyes that didn’t seep,

Before everything crashed into a heap.

I used to laugh,

I used to shine,

My life was once

Of my own design.

It was all right there

The world was mine,

My joy and promise

Would intertwine.

I felt the touch

Of a life divine,

But they ripped my freedom from my hands.

They took. They tricked. They confined.

My trusting spirit could not withstand.

They fought. They faked. They conquered.

Broken, I gave in to their demands.

They bullied. They bit. They captured.

My knees were weak, I couldn’t stand.

They infiltrated. They impaired. They crucified.

They disarmed me.

They dismantled me.

They damaged me.

They damned me.

They defeated me.

They deceived me.

They defined me.

They divided me.

They degraded me.

They dominated me.

They desecrated me.

Now all I can do is gaze at you

My eyes burning green with what I see.

Someone living the life I once knew,

Someone who one day I used to be.

The cage

When I first glimpsed your face;

Saw the way your lips fought off a twitch,

As you turned shyly away, hiding your smile,

Your eyes anywhere but gazing into mine,

A jittering, nervous flirt,

A soft voice I strained to hear

And when  I felt how tenderly you touched my hand,

I knew one day you’d have my heart.

You soon had my eye,

You soon had my smile,

You soon had my interest.

And the trench that kept my heart at bay,

Slowly, surely and savagely filled with rivers of hope.

And you sailed,

Crossed beyond my lakes of doubt,

And my sanctuary gave you the key.

I felt it then.

I felt it when you realized how precious it was,

This untrodden soil so close to my love.

You looked at me,

With those downcast, bashful eyes,

And I surrendered,

Piece by piece becoming yours.

Only then did you look me straight in the eye,

And I truly saw you for the first time.

The twitch of your lips actually a smirking snarl –

Where’s the smile that sang in my dreams?

Your eyes, now black as coal and hard like steel,

Stopped looking around when you realized,

Realized there was nowhere for me to run.

The soft voice that lulled me into peace,

Hid a roar that tore my soul in half.

Your touch, once soft, now clutching me,

Your fingertips searing my skin,

Branding me with your name.

You are a hunter,

I was your prize prey.

I didn’t stand a chance against your deception.

You’ve honed your skills of falsity over a million, million moments,

Hunting the likes of me:

Born bright, born wild, born free,

Born with laughter, warmth and exceptionality.

You needed to capture me,

Your thirst to tame what once could change the world.

By the time I realized you owned me,

It was just too late.

Like a drug, you got me hooked on you,

Dependent on your judgment to see myself.

You re-dug the trench around my heart,

But this time with you inside,

And you dared me to let anyone else in close.

You tore down the fragile bridges I built,

Stone by stone,

In moments erasing what I had formed over years.

Your blade pierced into my spirit

Every time it dreamed of roaming.

Keeping me in the cage you made my life.

Your whispers non-stop:

“This is what you deserve”

“You’re nothing without me”

“I’m the only one who can tolerate your shame”

Your words chaining my mind,

Stifling my voice,

Overpowering me until they became my own,

Until finally, I lost myself. 

Captivity

What have you done to me?

I can’t step back enough to really ask myself

Probe that pulsating black spot inside my soul

Which I shelter even from me

And ask whether it’s love I’m feeling, or whether it’s terror.

Were my walls so frail, were my guards so cowardly that they fled the wooden gates, the only sanctuary to my soul?

I made it so easy for you to slide yourself into every crevice of what makes me who I am

And shine your flame onto my insecurities, while putting out the rings of fire that protected my identity.

Drenching them out with the consuming, paralyzing waves of your dominance

It frightens me down to my very core how smoothly you owned me

How eager I was to be devoured and then spit out as a version of myself someone could actually love.

My will weary, my resolve restless, they crumbled under your touch,

Under your gaze.

Those eyes that have now chained me into captivity.

Only when you look at me, when I see approval in your eyes, that’s when I’m worthy

Every blink, every second you look away, or the furrow of your distaste creeps into your eyebrows,

I disintegrate.

I dissolve into the pieces of me that you’ve created. the pieces that cloak who I used to be,

And I tremble into an apprehensive passivity at the thought of even trying to scratch at them, clawing my real self out.

I’m terrified of meeting who I used to be and having to answer the question:

Why did I surrender without a fight, but rather, eagerly gasped you into my chest and let you infect my heart with the soul-crushing burden of being yours?

You own me. You destroy me. And you are the only one who can put me back together.

But the me you orchestrate doesn’t play the symphony that I truly, fully am; the symphony of my being.

But rather, you mold me into a melody, a movement, playing me into the version of myself that pleases your ears, and your ears alone.

Every breath I take is you. You’ve cut off the oxygen of my identity and I’ve allowed myself to die, suffocating slowly, steadily, stealthily into someone I’m not meant to be.

All so that you can love me. All so that I don’t have to face the cruelty of your departure.

Because if your love is true, then the fatality of your love must be better than the annihilation of your rage, or the apocalypse of your indifference.