The middle

It wears me down, this vision of who I’d like to be

Anxiety goes off like little flares roaming around within my spirit,

Whenever I realize how far I am from who I am meant to be

And how long the journey is through pain, grief, despair, sacrifice, obligation, incarceration, denying, asserting and accepting,

All in order to reach the shores of enlightenment

And the soft, green-sanded beaches of self-actualization

I’m held back; a prisoner of my own making

At times I can no longer see through the deceit, the lies,

The threads I’ve woven into a fabric that I present to the world as my skin

But which is in reality my shield,

A mask I let them see of everything I believe would make me worthy in their eyes

And I’ve hidden the ugliness, the remnants of past and future pain,

And the traumas that manifest themselves internally, every single wretched day

I’ve fooled them well, and in the process I’ve lost myself

Denying my soul the nourishment and catharsis of being unleashed without restraint,

Without armor, for it to be able to encompass the bounties of the world,

The evils of our time and the mystery of man, before returning to me

Weathered, but learned

Battered but blessed with the knowledge of who it truly is,

Who I truly am,

And how I can, for once, do what’s right by me.

Yet now I fear it might be too late

I’ve held back much too long

My soul is petrified of what it can learn when it tastes the richness, the decadence of liberty

And I’ve grown tired, insurmountably weary

Too intrinsically fatigued to go on this quest

See, if I am to survive,

Fighting back against the pressures to be who they want me to be,

But rather be who I was born to be,

I will have to face my greatest fear:

The middle part of this journey from the prisoner I am now

To the unshackled, unrestrained, unguarded me

It scares me because I know

I will see it in their eyes

I will hear it in the drops of their inflections

I will feel the way they will stiffen when I unfurl what’s within

And l let them see the bad with the good,

The ugly, the decayed, the saturated; the human

I wish more than anything that I could skip that part of the process

And with a deep exhale be abruptly emancipated

I do not have it in me to wage battle

Or to fight through a transformation

I don’t want a cocoon; I don’t want a warming eggshell or a womb’s embrace

I just want to be birthed, immediately, gloriously, into this world,

Just as I am meant to be

Just as I want to be

Just as I must be.

Separate me

Separate me from this fear.

Separate me from this dread.

Separate me from these thoughts,

Breaking me down in my head.

Separate me from this weight,

Sitting squarely in my chest;

Separate me from this tainted mind

That never seems to rest.

Separate me from this pain

That has merged with every cell,

Which make me who I am

And agonizingly in me dwell.

Separate me from this ache,

That’s painted my spirit bleak.

Separate me from these chains

That make my spirit shriek.

Separate me from insecurity

That whispers in my ear

And drenches me with a mist of grief

With every word I hear.

Separate me from this weakness

That keeps me up at night.

Separate me from this surrender,

The death of all my fight.

Separate me from this regret

Echoing with every step I take,

Assaulting my fragile memories,

Coaxing my soul to break.

Separate me from this heart

That pumps with misery too fast

And grips my chest with frigid breaths

That feel like they’re my last.

Separate me from these voices

Erupting in my skull,

Making me feel unworthy

And making my spirit dull.

Separate me from this doubt

That never leaves me alone,

Holding onto me until,

It turned my heart to stone.

Separate me from this duality,

Making my life a lie,

That I fear will never leave me

Until I hope I die. 

Weight of freedom

My cage is beautiful.

Its roof is painted in pretty blue and white, like peaceful clouds. 

I swim in cooling pools of shimmering water, 

And dry-off, lounging on feather-pillowed, gold-laced seats.

I step on petals that tickle my feet 

As I walk towards a million words, trapped in paper,

Flowing from the consciousness of generations.

My cage is warm when I'm cold and cold when I'm hot

And it smells like summers, fruits and vanilla-lavender fumes. 

My cage is peaceful.

I can hear my sighs echo,

I can hear my thoughts take form

And the lullabies of a string quartet. 

My cage is safe.

Protective eyes watch over me. 

Sparkling solid walls of diamond shield me from outside threats. 

Yet, still, I'm going insane. 

I've forgotten what it's like to run, to yell,

To take a risk and feel its gain.

I'm trapped in a lovely environment, 

But I miss the thrill of catching someone's eye. 

I miss the slippery embrace of mud, 

And the relief that follows when I wash it all off. 

I miss horizons, the palettes of sunset and sunrise, 

And I miss the dark.

I miss the unexpected, the rise of hope, 

And I miss the weight of freedom. 

Life

It’s a whirlwind and it won’t stop

Throwing responsibility at me like debris

It’s burdens fighting on my collarbones,

Won’t they finally crush me and set me free?

It’s a weight that sits like a rock in my ribs

It’s a selfish mistress, taking and fuming, that never gives

It’s a splinter that breached a paper-cut

It’s the Garden of Eden plagued by smut

It’s the beeping of the monitor when you wish for a flatline

It’s a call to arms, a screeching, jarring deafening whine

It’s the fearful gaze as the clock chimes faster

It’s an anxious flood of dread you’re unable to master

It’s a longing for what you know cannot be reached

It’s an itch for salvation with no one there to preach

It’s barriers that crumble instead of defend

It’s the knowledge you’re without strength, but you still pretend

It’s a raging battle to redeem your soul

Until you fall still and you’re just no more. 

Velvet steel

Don’t wake me up

Let me dream of silence

Let me lose my self in eternal bliss

Let me smile with carefree solitude

Let me lust after an angel’s kiss

Don’t wake me up

Please let me sleep

Let me just enjoy the rainy nights

Please let me dream of yesterday

Of one of my many previous lives

Let me go,

Just let me go!

Please don’t bring back reality

It and I are at civil war

It always seems to attack me

Why do I have to believe in what I see?

Imaginary whispers are just as real

Why can’t I go without a struggle

And just live my life like velvet steel?

Raining sun

And

Scorching cold,

Sweaty blizzards,

Cowering bold

Nothing is impossible in my dreams

I hate the harshness of reality

Everything mostly as it seems,

The suicide of possibility

Let me drift into peaceful slumber

Close my eyes

And live beautifully

Too afraid to open them

‘Cause living nightmares

Are all I see.

Know

I want you to know

You’re not invisible.

I can see you,

Gaze into your tattered soul

And relate to your pain.

I want you to know

I’m aware you miss the melody of laughter

That you long for carefree silence.

I want you to know

I harbor the utmost respect for you

That I want to embrace you protectively.

I want you to know

We’re not different you and I,

That I’m aware life’s cruel fingers are more tightly wrapped around you.

I want you to know

You’re beautiful.

That your courage has exceeded the limits of my possibility.

I want you to know

I anger at myself when I treat you badly,

My insecurities mask my sincere intentions.

I want you to know I am sincerely, completely and devotedly sorry. 

I died once

I died once.

Poof.

I ceased to exist.

It didn't hurt.

I didn't cry.

That's all I can remember.

I was satisfied.

Forgotten lessons

Lessons taught. Lessons learned.

Life a maze; lost at every turn.

A hopeful song from a soul that yearned,

We learn to smile as our hearts burn.

We learn to wrong and then regret,

As painful memories blaze alive.

We were never taught how to forget;

Blindly we suffer as we strive.

We’re taught to caution when we trust,

Of strangers we should always be afraid!

Never were we told of the false crust

Of the loved one who painfully betrayed.

We learn to wish, we learn to pray,

Kneeling down as we wait.

We believe we will be spared dismay;

But how do we cope if it’s too late?

We’re taught to feel, we learn to love

As emotions rage with the breaths we take.

Content we soared like a flying dove,

But confusion’s the soulmate of heartbreak.

We learn to discover as we grow,

While fate throws us left and right.

Unprepared, you assume we know,

The path is a scarring endless fight.

We are told right from wrong,

Our instincts we’re taught to follow.

Hypocrites, we don’t know where we belong

In a society that condemns us with sorrow.

We’re taught to survive through the screams

Urged to laugh even as we cry

Life a series of unbearable dreams,

No one ever answered the question: “Why?”