Separate me

Separate me from this fear.

Separate me from this dread.

Separate me from these thoughts,

Breaking me down in my head.

Separate me from this weight,

Sitting squarely in my chest;

Separate me from this tainted mind

That never seems to rest.

Separate me from this pain

That has merged with every cell,

Which make me who I am

And agonizingly in me dwell.

Separate me from this ache,

That’s painted my spirit bleak.

Separate me from these chains

That make my spirit shriek.

Separate me from insecurity

That whispers in my ear

And drenches me with a mist of grief

With every word I hear.

Separate me from this weakness

That keeps me up at night.

Separate me from this surrender,

The death of all my fight.

Separate me from this regret

Echoing with every step I take,

Assaulting my fragile memories,

Coaxing my soul to break.

Separate me from this heart

That pumps with misery too fast

And grips my chest with frigid breaths

That feel like they’re my last.

Separate me from these voices

Erupting in my skull,

Making me feel unworthy

And making my spirit dull.

Separate me from this doubt

That never leaves me alone,

Holding onto me until,

It turned my heart to stone.

Separate me from this duality,

Making my life a lie,

That I fear will never leave me

Until I hope I die. 

Dark cloud

There’s a dark cloud that fell to earth one day

And suddenly I found myself living in tones of gray

Sometimes it overtakes me and there’s no stop to the pain

Sometimes it washes over me with tears like rain. 

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder where I am,

Who I am, where I am meant to be.

I feel at times, like I am oppressed,

But then within that, I’m strangely free.

I guess I was made in a different cast,

Just slightly different, subtly askew.

An error in manufacturing,

Is what makes me I, but never you.

Sometimes I struggle to come to terms

With the fact that you just can’t relate.

The way you seem to look at me,

Makes my confidence obliterate

Where in the world am I heading to?

Where is my home, where is my place?

A hunger to reach out to you,

Someone somewhere without a face.

Sometimes I force myself to sleep,

In search of a quiet darkened void.

Yet my regrets face me in my dreams,

Oh what I had, and then destroyed.

What on earth has become of me?

Where is my strength? Where is my voice?

Why is your kindness what I need

To finally feel my heart rejoice?

Sometimes I feel like I am a mess,

Fragments of previous identities.

I sit and watch my soul digress,

Into a million sordid personalities.

Is this me, or what you make me be?

Is it too late to find out?

Why do I find the need to prove to you

That I am worthy, without a doubt.

Sometimes I cry myself awake,

Drenched in tears, sweat and fear.

I look around and wonder why

It always seems like the end is near.

I find myself through ups and downs,

Always fighting a deep-rooted ache.

And I wonder why I’m allowed to feel

Like I was the one Divine mistake.  

Despondency

On my knees,

Wretched, drenched in the filth of humankind.

I scream to you “Please!”

Deliver me of this, with pain I’m too entwined.

My feet sore, disfigured

From this journey I did not choose,

My soul formed and configured

That in battle inevitably I lose.

I beg of you, release me.

Allow me to feel the silence of you,

The holy hollow that will always be

What I long to disappear into.

The peace and quiet of my origin

The darkness that shines with light

A void that is void of sin,

Where a broken man can find his might.

My desire to depart is consuming me,

I ache, my Lord, with fatigue

If I remain I can never be free

From the pull of the Devil’s league.

Temptation remains my adversity

Against light it will always prevail  

In my heart abundant with enormity

The knowledge that against it I’ll fail

I writhe in anguish, my Lord, in misery

I ask of you to let me perish.

These crushing breaths laced with agony

Fail to provide what I crave to nourish.

I bathe in waves of despondency

Why allow my soul such suffering?

I have turned to you, yet I fail to see,

My vision cracked, raped and faltering.

Thus, simply, I plead of you

To help me shut my tired eyes

I cannot face what I’ve turned into

Painted in veils of foreboding dyes

This battle has now overpowered me

A spear in the heart of my resolution

Decaying blood, lack of purity

Demeaned to spiritual prostitution

On my knees,

Wretched, drenched in the filth of humankind.

I whisper to you “Please!”

Redeem me of this, with pain I’m too entwined.

My hands sore, disfigured

From this story I wish not to write

My spirit formed and configured

To sorrow until it is out of sight. 

Mr Sandman

The Sandman has lost his mind

I can feel him there before my mind falls into sleep

I can feel him slit his wrists,

His blood gushes and it wets the sand he blankets me in

It itches my skin,

I scratch and the sand gets into me,

Seeping into my blood

It reaches my head and it floods my brain

And it makes my thoughts break apart, break free,

They course through me, they gallop into my soul

They feed on the infected sand and become deranged

The thoughts mutate, they’re no longer mine,

I can’t stop them, there are so many of them

They make my heart beat faster

They weigh down my chest.

I gasp, I shudder, I twitch, I gasp again.

They start speaking to me, asking me, prodding me

Screaming at me, again and again:

“What If everything goes wrong?”

“What if you truly are a failure?”

“What if the world ends right now?”

“What can you be proud of?

“What if they all die?”

“What if they find out?”

“You’re weak.” “You’re pathetic.”

“Look at you,” they say.

But I don’t want to look at me.

I want to shield my eyes.

I need tears to distort my vision,

To relieve this mounting pressure of hopelessness and pain.

But tears don’t come.

The Sandman had sprinkled his sand onto my lashes

They seeped into my tear-ducts, drying me out,

Prying my eyes open and I’m now forced to see.

To see me. Cowering, humiliated.

I close my eyes. I pray, I count, I breathe in deep.

And slowly, every so slowly, this world fades.

But right before the darkness embraces me,

My body jerks awake, afraid of what I’ll see.

Or worse, what I won’t find in my sleep.

Because a need grips my dreams.

A search for meaning, for salvation.

An opaque lens of realties.

I twist and turn in sleep,

My soul somewhere, gripped by a quest.

Nothing makes sense.

Children die in my arms,

I can’t protest the deaf,

The dead whisper,

I’m the grand winner,

The angry man whips me with his poisoned spikes…

And then I awake with a wail

There is no refuge, awake or asleep.

Where is my protector, where is my guardian?

My eyes travel upwards and I see it twinkle in the dawn’s light

Why, oh Dreamcatcher, have you forsaken me?

I slowly rise, I peer into its web.

I touch it, and I see now that the Sandman’s blood had splattered there.

What can save me now?

I give in. Yet again, I have failed. The Sandman has won.

As the sunlight starts to flood my room,

I lay in my bed shivering and I close my eyes

I hear a clock tick in my head and all I can do is wait.

Laying still until he comes again. 

Depression

It’s like a cloud in my head.

A fog, a haze,

Which never lifts

That never fades.

It’s like a monster in my bed.

A scream, a fear,

Which at every dawn

Is always here.

It’s like words that can’t be said.

Whispers, pleas,

Unanswered and lost

In the midnight freeze.

It’s like wounds that haven’t bled

Anguish, a torment.

A struggle of the mind,

The soul’s dissent.

It’s like a hunger that can’t be fed.

An urge, a need,

The insatiable void

Of sorrow’s greed.

It’s like skin I cannot shed,

A trap, a snare,

A prison cell

Growing from underneath my hair.

It’s the wish that I was dead,

At rest, at peace,

In that warm, dark place

Where doubt will cease. 

Fading

In my state of elated sorrow

I wonder why I cease to feel.

A collision of intensities,

All so vivid all so real.

Shadows, illusions and silhouettes,

I miss the days when things were clear.

Drowning in oxymoronic emotions,

A chronic painful joyful fear.   

Fading away, losing touch.

Dying to enjoy my farewell meal.

Talking to my vibrant echoes,

They’re the only ones that seem to hear.

Reaching out with fingertips

Failing to bring the farthest near.

A silent scream explodes from me,

Caressing my final drying tear.

Promised love and security,

What was it that broke the deal?

The Devil gloats as he succeeds

My fragile dying hope to steal.

I moan in destructive irony,

With bitterness I can’t conceal.

Trying to regain what was lost,

To love again what once was dear. 

Fragile

Fragile

On the edge

Scared, scarred and bare.

Frightened

Of what's to come

Rain, pain, despair.

Faithless

Losing grip

Drought, doubt, unfair.