Insomnia

I hear silence.

I can feel the different air molecules colliding,

Like a battle between earth and moon.

I can see universes in nothing.

The different gases oozing over each other,

Fighting for attention.

I close my eyes.

Instantly attacked by different shades of white.

My subconscious leaks random letters,

Ugly black marks that I struggle to make sense of.

My eyes fly open.

Tears forming like crystal raindrops on my exhausted eyelashes.

A moan of desperation vibrates in my chest,

Then crescendos into a hiss that escapes me,

Softly.

I breathe.

Tremors invade as I realize the struggle it takes to supply my thickening blood with oxygen.

I gasp through my laughter.

My heart slowing down to a teasingly frightening pace

That I can feel pound in my fingertips.

My sandpaper throat,

Fights to release the building scream,

As explosions hit me behind my eyes.

Suicide bombers.

Splitting my brain in two.

Waves of nausea drown my consciousness.

I fall apart.

Too tired to pick up the pieces of me…

I surrender. 

Sinners & saints

I breathe in the fragrant scent

A fading memory of childhood dreams.

I smile as the devil chuckles

And the angels start to break and scream

 

Breaking glass invades my veins

I feel nothing but soft release.

A battle between sinners and saints

I am the prey, I am the feast.

 

Surrendering to the sirens’ song,

I am pulled back by the clang of gates.

Confusion embedded in my soul

“Come back to us, it is not too late!”

 

Torn apart, beyond destroyed,

I weep into the color gray.

An empty soul, I survive

After my death of yesterday.

 

I feel no pain, I remain numb

Crucified by two extremes.

Minutes lost as I bleed

Into the void that is my dreams.

 

Innocence robbed so long ago

A child thrown into deadly sin.

Devils rejoice, angels pity

In the end who’s going to win?

Bashful ecstasy

Surges of emotions

You create in me,

Flutters of happiness

A feeling of bashful ecstasy

I barely know you

But I know how you make me feel

Such a rush, like cocaine,

It’s beautiful and surreal

I can’t wait to love you inside out

An attraction without end

I want to touch you, hold your hand

More than a lover, a best friend

You have crashed into my life

A welcome invasion

Saving me from myself

From a grave and morbid situation

Know

I want you to know

You’re not invisible.

I can see you,

Gaze into your tattered soul

And relate to your pain.

I want you to know

I’m aware you miss the melody of laughter

That you long for carefree silence.

I want you to know

I harbor the utmost respect for you

That I want to embrace you protectively.

I want you to know

We’re not different you and I,

That I’m aware life’s cruel fingers are more tightly wrapped around you.

I want you to know

You’re beautiful.

That your courage has exceeded the limits of my possibility.

I want you to know

I anger at myself when I treat you badly,

My insecurities mask my sincere intentions.

I want you to know I am sincerely, completely and devotedly sorry. 

Existential hurt

There’s no way out

Of this existential life

A cycle of pain, with no purpose

There’s no way out

Of unrequited love

A mosaic of abandonment

Your touch enflames me,

With hurt not intimacy.

Your eyes accuse me,

Of confusion

What irony.

A hurricane of uncertainty with you in its midst

A scream of profanity

That it has come to this.

I try to refuse you, but it seems I cannot.

Incapability my new found attribute,

I try to claim you, but you want not,

Feelings of a religious prostitute.

Platonic love treated like animal lust,

A taint on the beauty of purity.

 A psychedelic masterpiece of regurgitated brainwash.

What have you done to me?

Emotional intangibility

Acid rain drizzles on my emotional intangibility

Murdering every feeling as it stimulates it to emerge.

Your eyes, deep fields of judgment

Search my placid face.

Your voice the pinnacle of non-fulfillment,

Accuses me of having a problem.

The thunder stirs in my heart again,

I am not unaware of my inabilities.

I am paralyzed but not an imbecile

I see darkness but I’m not blind.

Your hypocrisy drives me to felonious thoughts.

Your rage complements and mirrors mine.

Your boy-scout honor of understanding and loyalty

Loses face to the brazen disregard of your oaths.

The distorted, tainted and biased love that resides in your heart

Confuses the amnesiac sensitivity of my memories.

My enemy in ideology

My brother in obsession,

My rival in methodology

A reluctant pillar of barriers and walls,

A drastic error in objectivity.

You string me to you with responsibility,

You commit me to you with forgery.

Insanity and I are fuck buddies.

It is time to accept it or vacuum yourself out of my fragility.

Dissembled front you dare to give.

Oh, how peaceful it is for you to bully thou with a feeble reality.

My diamond rain

Exhale into my soul,

Send shivers into my existence.

Love me tenderly,

With bittersweet persistence.

 

Be my selfish pleasure,

My holy sin

Be my cooling fire,

The blizzard within.

Be my Everything,

My diamond rain,

Kill me softly,

Make me breathe again.

 

Play a symphony in my aching heart.

Hold my insecurity and rip it apart

Kiss me bashfully and tug my hair

Destroy my solitude,

Make life seem fair. 

 

Forget the word no,

And just surrender

To the music of today,

So fierce yet tender.

An orchestra of feeling

That I cannot control.

A deep constant craving,

You, I want to hold.

 

Touch me please,

I need you so.

Till the end of life,

I’ll follow where you go.

The way you laugh

Makes me insane,

Starts in my ear

Then blows my brain!

 

Forever stay a part of me.

Forever be my addiction

Trap me into the maze of you

With a life time conviction.

I need blazing ferocity,

I weep for your affection.

I long for your intimacy

For your far from perfect perfection.