Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder where I am,

Who I am, where I am meant to be.

I feel at times, like I am oppressed,

But then within that, I’m strangely free.

I guess I was made in a different cast,

Just slightly different, subtly askew.

An error in manufacturing,

Is what makes me I, but never you.

Sometimes I struggle to come to terms

With the fact that you just can’t relate.

The way you seem to look at me,

Makes my confidence obliterate

Where in the world am I heading to?

Where is my home, where is my place?

A hunger to reach out to you,

Someone somewhere without a face.

Sometimes I force myself to sleep,

In search of a quiet darkened void.

Yet my regrets face me in my dreams,

Oh what I had, and then destroyed.

What on earth has become of me?

Where is my strength? Where is my voice?

Why is your kindness what I need

To finally feel my heart rejoice?

Sometimes I feel like I am a mess,

Fragments of previous identities.

I sit and watch my soul digress,

Into a million sordid personalities.

Is this me, or what you make me be?

Is it too late to find out?

Why do I find the need to prove to you

That I am worthy, without a doubt.

Sometimes I cry myself awake,

Drenched in tears, sweat and fear.

I look around and wonder why

It always seems like the end is near.

I find myself through ups and downs,

Always fighting a deep-rooted ache.

And I wonder why I’m allowed to feel

Like I was the one Divine mistake.  

Despondency

On my knees,

Wretched, drenched in the filth of humankind.

I scream to you “Please!”

Deliver me of this, with pain I’m too entwined.

My feet sore, disfigured

From this journey I did not choose,

My soul formed and configured

That in battle inevitably I lose.

I beg of you, release me.

Allow me to feel the silence of you,

The holy hollow that will always be

What I long to disappear into.

The peace and quiet of my origin

The darkness that shines with light

A void that is void of sin,

Where a broken man can find his might.

My desire to depart is consuming me,

I ache, my Lord, with fatigue

If I remain I can never be free

From the pull of the Devil’s league.

Temptation remains my adversity

Against light it will always prevail  

In my heart abundant with enormity

The knowledge that against it I’ll fail

I writhe in anguish, my Lord, in misery

I ask of you to let me perish.

These crushing breaths laced with agony

Fail to provide what I crave to nourish.

I bathe in waves of despondency

Why allow my soul such suffering?

I have turned to you, yet I fail to see,

My vision cracked, raped and faltering.

Thus, simply, I plead of you

To help me shut my tired eyes

I cannot face what I’ve turned into

Painted in veils of foreboding dyes

This battle has now overpowered me

A spear in the heart of my resolution

Decaying blood, lack of purity

Demeaned to spiritual prostitution

On my knees,

Wretched, drenched in the filth of humankind.

I whisper to you “Please!”

Redeem me of this, with pain I’m too entwined.

My hands sore, disfigured

From this story I wish not to write

My spirit formed and configured

To sorrow until it is out of sight. 

I know you

Where are you my sweetest lullaby?

I wish I had your scent on me, sedating me

With that afterglow of security.

Years have gone by,

I can see you so vividly.

When’s the day your presence becomes tactile?

I believe in you, I can feel your smile.

It becomes the only thing to make non-mundane

A life of dark exile.

Exist for me,

My sweet salvation.

Just be for me.

I’m not sure how much longer I could hold on.

I wonder if somewhere across bridges, seas or tables,

You’ve yearned for me for just as long.

I wonder if you know that I twist my hair in thought.

That I look to the right when I’m shy.

Would you recognize me?

Would I recognize you?

I wish coincidence would just let us try.

Maybe you’re already in my life,

But I think I would’ve known,

Because I can see the way you’d look at me

Beyond the surface, straight inside.

I can’t bring myself to even think that I might be wrong.

That you’re uncreated,

That I’m cursed to life alone.

No, no. No.

I know you.

I can almost touch you.

You must be real,

A lifetime of hope can’t be made up.

Can it?

Not with this,

not with the way the mere thought of you makes me feel. 

Mr Sandman

The Sandman has lost his mind

I can feel him there before my mind falls into sleep

I can feel him slit his wrists,

His blood gushes and it wets the sand he blankets me in

It itches my skin,

I scratch and the sand gets into me,

Seeping into my blood

It reaches my head and it floods my brain

And it makes my thoughts break apart, break free,

They course through me, they gallop into my soul

They feed on the infected sand and become deranged

The thoughts mutate, they’re no longer mine,

I can’t stop them, there are so many of them

They make my heart beat faster

They weigh down my chest.

I gasp, I shudder, I twitch, I gasp again.

They start speaking to me, asking me, prodding me

Screaming at me, again and again:

“What If everything goes wrong?”

“What if you truly are a failure?”

“What if the world ends right now?”

“What can you be proud of?

“What if they all die?”

“What if they find out?”

“You’re weak.” “You’re pathetic.”

“Look at you,” they say.

But I don’t want to look at me.

I want to shield my eyes.

I need tears to distort my vision,

To relieve this mounting pressure of hopelessness and pain.

But tears don’t come.

The Sandman had sprinkled his sand onto my lashes

They seeped into my tear-ducts, drying me out,

Prying my eyes open and I’m now forced to see.

To see me. Cowering, humiliated.

I close my eyes. I pray, I count, I breathe in deep.

And slowly, every so slowly, this world fades.

But right before the darkness embraces me,

My body jerks awake, afraid of what I’ll see.

Or worse, what I won’t find in my sleep.

Because a need grips my dreams.

A search for meaning, for salvation.

An opaque lens of realties.

I twist and turn in sleep,

My soul somewhere, gripped by a quest.

Nothing makes sense.

Children die in my arms,

I can’t protest the deaf,

The dead whisper,

I’m the grand winner,

The angry man whips me with his poisoned spikes…

And then I awake with a wail

There is no refuge, awake or asleep.

Where is my protector, where is my guardian?

My eyes travel upwards and I see it twinkle in the dawn’s light

Why, oh Dreamcatcher, have you forsaken me?

I slowly rise, I peer into its web.

I touch it, and I see now that the Sandman’s blood had splattered there.

What can save me now?

I give in. Yet again, I have failed. The Sandman has won.

As the sunlight starts to flood my room,

I lay in my bed shivering and I close my eyes

I hear a clock tick in my head and all I can do is wait.

Laying still until he comes again. 

Depression

It’s like a cloud in my head.

A fog, a haze,

Which never lifts

That never fades.

It’s like a monster in my bed.

A scream, a fear,

Which at every dawn

Is always here.

It’s like words that can’t be said.

Whispers, pleas,

Unanswered and lost

In the midnight freeze.

It’s like wounds that haven’t bled

Anguish, a torment.

A struggle of the mind,

The soul’s dissent.

It’s like a hunger that can’t be fed.

An urge, a need,

The insatiable void

Of sorrow’s greed.

It’s like skin I cannot shed,

A trap, a snare,

A prison cell

Growing from underneath my hair.

It’s the wish that I was dead,

At rest, at peace,

In that warm, dark place

Where doubt will cease. 

The moon & I

These gray clouds of Vancouver’s sky

Obscure the moon from its rightful view.

It makes me wonder all the time,

If it feels as isolated as I do.

Does it yearn for the wind’s caress?

A soft rasp hugging in an embrace the leaves

Denied of its lustrous luminous glow,

In loneliness, does for company it grieve?

This sense of being out of place,

I wish I would know if it shares with me.

Uprooted, left not knowing home

Is it too left with budding misery?

Oh, does the moon share this ache of soul

This not knowing what the future holds

This longing for some sort of touch

In a land where the spirits roam bland and cold

Does it know what it feels like to walk alone?

To need to scream if it wants to be heard

To have to cry a million years

Before it starts to become un-blurred.

Do those clouds know what they hide?

Are they aware of their awful sin,

To hide the mighty need for shine,

To disconnect the facade from what’s within?

Oh moon I wish I could hold your hand

So that we both aren’t fated to this life of shade

You might be lonely, but you’re not alone.

I will light your growing surrendered fade.

Steel eyelashes

Your steel eyelashes latch onto my heart,

Blood rimmed eyes peering way too close into this pain of my mine.

Naked, exposed in the most intimate of ways

Against my will, my soul is bared.

You glare into the cracks. Eyeing every hurt, every stab, every death which has created me.

Gazing into my monstrous essence.

Deep, deep...

Deep into my hideousness.

You witness the scars,

The only memories left behind after the most complete abandonments.

Your vision penetrates my very core.

Inside the blackness,

You can see a little too clearly for my liking,

But yet you invade.

You penetrate with no end in sight.

Your glare fucks my spirit,

Entering me with reckless abandon and calculated assault

Raping my secrets, abusing my hidden truths,

You destroy my hymen of privacy.

Then you see them:

The insecurities.

The array of sensitivities, the doubt, the self hate;

The murdered confidence.

Your eyes grow wider, daring not miss a single detail.

Learning me.

I might be able to fight you away.

But my loneliness is a poison,

Cripplingly complete,

It paralyzes me and I let it

I no longer have a fight left in me, I am strength-less.

A conflict of hate for your eye's occupation and a need for even a tiny glimpse of attention.

You manipulated me into a motionless victim,

Full of fear, dread and apprehensive hope.

Might you be the one who will not look away in repulsion?

The one who will nod with acceptance and finally love me? 

I shudder in terror,

My horror a stimulant, dilating your pupils,

Absorbing more,

Observing my weakness.

Your irises colonizing my vulnerability.

I wait,

Wait for your embracing tears to cleanse the pain away,

Baptize my sin into salvation…

Eternal seconds: tantalizing, enticing, disgracing.

A mess of longing ,yearning....I linger.

Yet you persevere, unmoved

As I shiver.

My soul's disrobing so appealing to you,

I wait.

Against my will, my soul is bared.

Naked, exposed in the most intimate of ways.

Blood rimmed eyes peering way to close into this pain of mine

Your steel eyelashes unlatch from my heart

…And in sinisterness, you laugh. 

Slay me

Slay me.

Slay me peacefully.

Wrap your delicate fingers firmly around the knife's icy glint.

Slit my throat gently from side to side.

Watch lovingly as life escapes my eyes.

And smile.

Love, your dilemma has died.

You no longer have to choose.

I could see how hard it was for you.

Embedded bewilderment

Take the easy way out….

Destroy me,

Destroy me tenderly

Thrust the blade deeper into my back till it pierces my spine,

Break my ribs so that they can penetrate my heart

Unbearable pain followed by a blissful non existence.

There's no one left but him now

You'll find your focus and his doubt will cease.

Choke me

Choke me with care

Shatter this ache away from me

I thought I was strong but I am weak

Like the gasp that will explode out of me

When you pour your blood down my throat,

Drowning me.

Witness me fight for air

Grasp aimlessly at the breath of existence.

Gurgling away my last seconds.

My death your peace,

I fade against his vividness now.

I simmer away and he crashes in like waves.