Weight of freedom

My cage is beautiful.

Its roof is painted in pretty blue and white, like peaceful clouds. 

I swim in cooling pools of shimmering water, 

And dry-off, lounging on feather-pillowed, gold-laced seats.

I step on petals that tickle my feet 

As I walk towards a million words, trapped in paper,

Flowing from the consciousness of generations.

My cage is warm when I'm cold and cold when I'm hot

And it smells like summers, fruits and vanilla-lavender fumes. 

My cage is peaceful.

I can hear my sighs echo,

I can hear my thoughts take form

And the lullabies of a string quartet. 

My cage is safe.

Protective eyes watch over me. 

Sparkling solid walls of diamond shield me from outside threats. 

Yet, still, I'm going insane. 

I've forgotten what it's like to run, to yell,

To take a risk and feel its gain.

I'm trapped in a lovely environment, 

But I miss the thrill of catching someone's eye. 

I miss the slippery embrace of mud, 

And the relief that follows when I wash it all off. 

I miss horizons, the palettes of sunset and sunrise, 

And I miss the dark.

I miss the unexpected, the rise of hope, 

And I miss the weight of freedom. 

Life

It’s a whirlwind and it won’t stop

Throwing responsibility at me like debris

It’s burdens fighting on my collarbones,

Won’t they finally crush me and set me free?

It’s a weight that sits like a rock in my ribs

It’s a selfish mistress, taking and fuming, that never gives

It’s a splinter that breached a paper-cut

It’s the Garden of Eden plagued by smut

It’s the beeping of the monitor when you wish for a flatline

It’s a call to arms, a screeching, jarring deafening whine

It’s the fearful gaze as the clock chimes faster

It’s an anxious flood of dread you’re unable to master

It’s a longing for what you know cannot be reached

It’s an itch for salvation with no one there to preach

It’s barriers that crumble instead of defend

It’s the knowledge you’re without strength, but you still pretend

It’s a raging battle to redeem your soul

Until you fall still and you’re just no more. 

Scorn

Your lies float right out of your mouth

And swirl like smoke around my head.

They cloud my vision, fill up my ears

And drench me in the filth of your insincerity.

They start a fire inside my soul,

A rage that tightens my heaving chest.

They’re nothing I haven’t heard before,

But today’s a day unlike the rest.

I’m running dry on empathy,

My reserve of patience is dangerously low,

There are sparks where my forgiveness used to dwell:

A profound change that I don’t want to slow.

I’m done.

I’m done making you believe I’ve let your lies go unnoticed.

Never again will you have my trust.

You’ve poisoned it with your words so false.

What used to glisten is now rough with rust.

You lie, you use, you deceive, you cheat;

I get hurt, forgive, forget and trust,

But once again you just repeat,

The cycle of falsity that’s become us.

I’m sick of you and sick of pretending

That we aren’t hurtling towards our ending.

I’ve given you the time to change,

I’ve given you the space to grow.

But over time my heart grew cold

My rage grew hot

And now it’s time for you to know:

I never believe you,

I never did,

I know every oath you made is a lie

I do not need you,

I never did,

I’m more than sure I will survive

What is there to mourn?

What is there to miss?

There’s really nothing that comes to mind

Your lies a plague I can live without

Your love a farce I can leave behind.

The loss of you

I watch you break,

The pieces of your soul crumbling into dust that thickens the air.

And I frantically try to put you back together,

Just as I had done many times before.

But tonight you slip from within my grasp,

As my frenzied heartbeat badgers my ribs.

I watch you melt into yourself,

Your pain a blaze raging in your soul.

Your spirit drips in waves towards the ground,

And I try so hard to collect it in my palms,

Disregarding how deeply it burns.

But yet it pours down in an endless steamy stream,

Overflowing across my fingertips,

As my silent screams trap themselves behind my lips.

I watch your body contort itself,

Forming a rigid fetal silhouette,

Killing the softness of your essence,

And extinguishing the light behind your eyes.

I lurch towards you,

My scarred arms trying to hold you close,

To keep you whole.

But your agony forces me away,

Pushing me down onto my knees,

As my skin turns frigid with rivers of icy sweat.  

I hear the wails tearing out of you,

Leaving mists of blood suspended in the air,

Ripping you apart from the inside out.

I try my best to breathe in the drops of blood,

So I can breathe them back into you,

But my lungs constrict with paralyzing fear,

As my pulse crescendos into desperation.

I hear your gasps mingle with manic laughter,

As you lose the flimsy grip holding back your sanity.

I try to put my hands on yours,

To keep you grounded into what is real,

But your fragile lucidity shatters under my stiffened fingers,

As my guilt begins to mutilate me.

I watch, I hear, I feel, I taste,

The disintegration of who you are.

I clutch at air as you fade away,

When your misery finally declares victory over you.

And as you simmer into self-sanctioned oblivion,

I feel a wound begin to devour  my heart.

I stare at where you used to stand,

My soul leaving me through my tears,

Following you to where it is you are gone.

The loss of you, the end of me. 

The cage

When I first glimpsed your face;

Saw the way your lips fought off a twitch,

As you turned shyly away, hiding your smile,

Your eyes anywhere but gazing into mine,

A jittering, nervous flirt,

A soft voice I strained to hear

And when  I felt how tenderly you touched my hand,

I knew one day you’d have my heart.

You soon had my eye,

You soon had my smile,

You soon had my interest.

And the trench that kept my heart at bay,

Slowly, surely and savagely filled with rivers of hope.

And you sailed,

Crossed beyond my lakes of doubt,

And my sanctuary gave you the key.

I felt it then.

I felt it when you realized how precious it was,

This untrodden soil so close to my love.

You looked at me,

With those downcast, bashful eyes,

And I surrendered,

Piece by piece becoming yours.

Only then did you look me straight in the eye,

And I truly saw you for the first time.

The twitch of your lips actually a smirking snarl –

Where’s the smile that sang in my dreams?

Your eyes, now black as coal and hard like steel,

Stopped looking around when you realized,

Realized there was nowhere for me to run.

The soft voice that lulled me into peace,

Hid a roar that tore my soul in half.

Your touch, once soft, now clutching me,

Your fingertips searing my skin,

Branding me with your name.

You are a hunter,

I was your prize prey.

I didn’t stand a chance against your deception.

You’ve honed your skills of falsity over a million, million moments,

Hunting the likes of me:

Born bright, born wild, born free,

Born with laughter, warmth and exceptionality.

You needed to capture me,

Your thirst to tame what once could change the world.

By the time I realized you owned me,

It was just too late.

Like a drug, you got me hooked on you,

Dependent on your judgment to see myself.

You re-dug the trench around my heart,

But this time with you inside,

And you dared me to let anyone else in close.

You tore down the fragile bridges I built,

Stone by stone,

In moments erasing what I had formed over years.

Your blade pierced into my spirit

Every time it dreamed of roaming.

Keeping me in the cage you made my life.

Your whispers non-stop:

“This is what you deserve”

“You’re nothing without me”

“I’m the only one who can tolerate your shame”

Your words chaining my mind,

Stifling my voice,

Overpowering me until they became my own,

Until finally, I lost myself. 

Pour

Pour.

Pour your sorrow into me.

Unleash your burdens with a tearful sigh.

Whisper to me what you most fear,

What breaks your heart and degrades your soul.

Throw at me what weighs you down,

Infect me with your existential wounds.

Beg me to assassinate your doubt.

Imprison me with the shackles that hold you back

And escape to where hope is free.

Poison me with your despair,

Allow your frustration to assault my chest,

And take.

Take.

Take away what once shone bright,

Filling my soul with sun-kissed rays.

Take the dreams I nourished to life,

And snatch that peace that fueled my smiles.

But hold them dear for they were me,

A gift I give that breaks me apart.

Feel serene as I struggle

To revive the joy that protected my mind.

Just take.

Take.

Take as you do,

And give me nothing but darkened grief.

Forget I was once alive,  

And that today I’m only a shadow of all your pain.

Anxiety

It latched itself unto my heart,

With a ferocious thud in my chest.

It tore my dreams and I apart,

And every hope it soon suppressed.

It swam its way up to my head,

Slithered and poked at every fold.

It whispered to my fears “go spread,

Don’t you rest till he’s controlled.”

It seeped its way into my blood,

Marring the red with specks of black.

It tore my barriers with a flood,

A cold pre-dawn, sustained attack.

It threw its shade over my face,

And clouded the light in my eyes.

It found a shelter in the place,

So despaired beneath my sighs.

It ripped itself into my soul

And built its home, it’s here to stay.

It laughs at my self-control,

And won’t stop till it has its way.

It became a part of who I am,

I am it and it is me.

Identify a painful sham,

Where “I” once was, there’s only “we”. 

Captivity

What have you done to me?

I can’t step back enough to really ask myself

Probe that pulsating black spot inside my soul

Which I shelter even from me

And ask whether it’s love I’m feeling, or whether it’s terror.

Were my walls so frail, were my guards so cowardly that they fled the wooden gates, the only sanctuary to my soul?

I made it so easy for you to slide yourself into every crevice of what makes me who I am

And shine your flame onto my insecurities, while putting out the rings of fire that protected my identity.

Drenching them out with the consuming, paralyzing waves of your dominance

It frightens me down to my very core how smoothly you owned me

How eager I was to be devoured and then spit out as a version of myself someone could actually love.

My will weary, my resolve restless, they crumbled under your touch,

Under your gaze.

Those eyes that have now chained me into captivity.

Only when you look at me, when I see approval in your eyes, that’s when I’m worthy

Every blink, every second you look away, or the furrow of your distaste creeps into your eyebrows,

I disintegrate.

I dissolve into the pieces of me that you’ve created. the pieces that cloak who I used to be,

And I tremble into an apprehensive passivity at the thought of even trying to scratch at them, clawing my real self out.

I’m terrified of meeting who I used to be and having to answer the question:

Why did I surrender without a fight, but rather, eagerly gasped you into my chest and let you infect my heart with the soul-crushing burden of being yours?

You own me. You destroy me. And you are the only one who can put me back together.

But the me you orchestrate doesn’t play the symphony that I truly, fully am; the symphony of my being.

But rather, you mold me into a melody, a movement, playing me into the version of myself that pleases your ears, and your ears alone.

Every breath I take is you. You’ve cut off the oxygen of my identity and I’ve allowed myself to die, suffocating slowly, steadily, stealthily into someone I’m not meant to be.

All so that you can love me. All so that I don’t have to face the cruelty of your departure.

Because if your love is true, then the fatality of your love must be better than the annihilation of your rage, or the apocalypse of your indifference.