There’s a dark cloud that fell to earth one day
And suddenly I found myself living in tones of gray
Sometimes it overtakes me and there’s no stop to the pain
Sometimes it washes over me with tears like rain.
There’s a dark cloud that fell to earth one day
And suddenly I found myself living in tones of gray
Sometimes it overtakes me and there’s no stop to the pain
Sometimes it washes over me with tears like rain.
I watch you melt into my skin,
Like a snowflake thawed by the gutter’s wind.
You dissolve into me,
Diffusing into every aspect of my soul,
Ruining my blood’s purity.
Slowly your essence overtakes mine,
Colonizing my thoughts, my heart, my smile.
You ruin me.
I simmer in little waves of bitterness,
My tears do little to save myself,
I become a destructed mess of helplessness.
Where am I?
Untwine from me.
Untwist from me.
Let me see who I used to be.
Stop consuming me
Stop overpowering me
You’ve sodomized my gentle heart in sin.
I’m trying in vain
To regain myself,
Oh freezing rain
Please awake my strength.
Who am I?
I’m petrified of being yours
Eternally connected at our very core.
Your nails have dug into my mind
They will not let go without a fight.
But I was the one to let you in,
My apathy the warmest welcoming,
I have no one but myself to blame.
You now possess every part of me...
I have no me, no face, no name.
Sometimes I wonder where I am,
Who I am, where I am meant to be.
I feel at times, like I am oppressed,
But then within that, I’m strangely free.
I guess I was made in a different cast,
Just slightly different, subtly askew.
An error in manufacturing,
Is what makes me I, but never you.
Sometimes I struggle to come to terms
With the fact that you just can’t relate.
The way you seem to look at me,
Makes my confidence obliterate
Where in the world am I heading to?
Where is my home, where is my place?
A hunger to reach out to you,
Someone somewhere without a face.
Sometimes I force myself to sleep,
In search of a quiet darkened void.
Yet my regrets face me in my dreams,
Oh what I had, and then destroyed.
What on earth has become of me?
Where is my strength? Where is my voice?
Why is your kindness what I need
To finally feel my heart rejoice?
Sometimes I feel like I am a mess,
Fragments of previous identities.
I sit and watch my soul digress,
Into a million sordid personalities.
Is this me, or what you make me be?
Is it too late to find out?
Why do I find the need to prove to you
That I am worthy, without a doubt.
Sometimes I cry myself awake,
Drenched in tears, sweat and fear.
I look around and wonder why
It always seems like the end is near.
I find myself through ups and downs,
Always fighting a deep-rooted ache.
And I wonder why I’m allowed to feel
Like I was the one Divine mistake.
On my knees,
Wretched, drenched in the filth of humankind.
I scream to you “Please!”
Deliver me of this, with pain I’m too entwined.
My feet sore, disfigured
From this journey I did not choose,
My soul formed and configured
That in battle inevitably I lose.
I beg of you, release me.
Allow me to feel the silence of you,
The holy hollow that will always be
What I long to disappear into.
The peace and quiet of my origin
The darkness that shines with light
A void that is void of sin,
Where a broken man can find his might.
My desire to depart is consuming me,
I ache, my Lord, with fatigue
If I remain I can never be free
From the pull of the Devil’s league.
Temptation remains my adversity
Against light it will always prevail
In my heart abundant with enormity
The knowledge that against it I’ll fail
I writhe in anguish, my Lord, in misery
I ask of you to let me perish.
These crushing breaths laced with agony
Fail to provide what I crave to nourish.
I bathe in waves of despondency
Why allow my soul such suffering?
I have turned to you, yet I fail to see,
My vision cracked, raped and faltering.
Thus, simply, I plead of you
To help me shut my tired eyes
I cannot face what I’ve turned into
Painted in veils of foreboding dyes
This battle has now overpowered me
A spear in the heart of my resolution
Decaying blood, lack of purity
Demeaned to spiritual prostitution
On my knees,
Wretched, drenched in the filth of humankind.
I whisper to you “Please!”
Redeem me of this, with pain I’m too entwined.
My hands sore, disfigured
From this story I wish not to write
My spirit formed and configured
To sorrow until it is out of sight.
Where are you my sweetest lullaby?
I wish I had your scent on me, sedating me
With that afterglow of security.
Years have gone by,
I can see you so vividly.
When’s the day your presence becomes tactile?
I believe in you, I can feel your smile.
It becomes the only thing to make non-mundane
A life of dark exile.
Exist for me,
My sweet salvation.
Just be for me.
I’m not sure how much longer I could hold on.
I wonder if somewhere across bridges, seas or tables,
You’ve yearned for me for just as long.
I wonder if you know that I twist my hair in thought.
That I look to the right when I’m shy.
Would you recognize me?
Would I recognize you?
I wish coincidence would just let us try.
Maybe you’re already in my life,
But I think I would’ve known,
Because I can see the way you’d look at me
Beyond the surface, straight inside.
I can’t bring myself to even think that I might be wrong.
That you’re uncreated,
That I’m cursed to life alone.
No, no. No.
I know you.
I can almost touch you.
You must be real,
A lifetime of hope can’t be made up.
Can it?
Not with this,
not with the way the mere thought of you makes me feel.
The Sandman has lost his mind
I can feel him there before my mind falls into sleep
I can feel him slit his wrists,
His blood gushes and it wets the sand he blankets me in
It itches my skin,
I scratch and the sand gets into me,
Seeping into my blood
It reaches my head and it floods my brain
And it makes my thoughts break apart, break free,
They course through me, they gallop into my soul
They feed on the infected sand and become deranged
The thoughts mutate, they’re no longer mine,
I can’t stop them, there are so many of them
They make my heart beat faster
They weigh down my chest.
I gasp, I shudder, I twitch, I gasp again.
They start speaking to me, asking me, prodding me
Screaming at me, again and again:
“What If everything goes wrong?”
“What if you truly are a failure?”
“What if the world ends right now?”
“What can you be proud of?
“What if they all die?”
“What if they find out?”
“You’re weak.” “You’re pathetic.”
“Look at you,” they say.
But I don’t want to look at me.
I want to shield my eyes.
I need tears to distort my vision,
To relieve this mounting pressure of hopelessness and pain.
But tears don’t come.
The Sandman had sprinkled his sand onto my lashes
They seeped into my tear-ducts, drying me out,
Prying my eyes open and I’m now forced to see.
To see me. Cowering, humiliated.
I close my eyes. I pray, I count, I breathe in deep.
And slowly, every so slowly, this world fades.
But right before the darkness embraces me,
My body jerks awake, afraid of what I’ll see.
Or worse, what I won’t find in my sleep.
Because a need grips my dreams.
A search for meaning, for salvation.
An opaque lens of realties.
I twist and turn in sleep,
My soul somewhere, gripped by a quest.
Nothing makes sense.
Children die in my arms,
I can’t protest the deaf,
The dead whisper,
I’m the grand winner,
The angry man whips me with his poisoned spikes…
And then I awake with a wail
There is no refuge, awake or asleep.
Where is my protector, where is my guardian?
My eyes travel upwards and I see it twinkle in the dawn’s light
Why, oh Dreamcatcher, have you forsaken me?
I slowly rise, I peer into its web.
I touch it, and I see now that the Sandman’s blood had splattered there.
What can save me now?
I give in. Yet again, I have failed. The Sandman has won.
As the sunlight starts to flood my room,
I lay in my bed shivering and I close my eyes
I hear a clock tick in my head and all I can do is wait.
Laying still until he comes again.
It’s like a cloud in my head.
A fog, a haze,
Which never lifts
That never fades.
It’s like a monster in my bed.
A scream, a fear,
Which at every dawn
Is always here.
It’s like words that can’t be said.
Whispers, pleas,
Unanswered and lost
In the midnight freeze.
It’s like wounds that haven’t bled
Anguish, a torment.
A struggle of the mind,
The soul’s dissent.
It’s like a hunger that can’t be fed.
An urge, a need,
The insatiable void
Of sorrow’s greed.
It’s like skin I cannot shed,
A trap, a snare,
A prison cell
Growing from underneath my hair.
It’s the wish that I was dead,
At rest, at peace,
In that warm, dark place
Where doubt will cease.
These gray clouds of Vancouver’s sky
Obscure the moon from its rightful view.
It makes me wonder all the time,
If it feels as isolated as I do.
Does it yearn for the wind’s caress?
A soft rasp hugging in an embrace the leaves
Denied of its lustrous luminous glow,
In loneliness, does for company it grieve?
This sense of being out of place,
I wish I would know if it shares with me.
Uprooted, left not knowing home
Is it too left with budding misery?
Oh, does the moon share this ache of soul
This not knowing what the future holds
This longing for some sort of touch
In a land where the spirits roam bland and cold
Does it know what it feels like to walk alone?
To need to scream if it wants to be heard
To have to cry a million years
Before it starts to become un-blurred.
Do those clouds know what they hide?
Are they aware of their awful sin,
To hide the mighty need for shine,
To disconnect the facade from what’s within?
Oh moon I wish I could hold your hand
So that we both aren’t fated to this life of shade
You might be lonely, but you’re not alone.
I will light your growing surrendered fade.